Marge: Ooh, a rattle. Thank you, Selma.
Moe: Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.
Selma: Get a neck, Frankenstein.
Moe: Hey, open my present. Open my present. It's Uncle Moe's play tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Look, even the little toilet is broken.
Marge: I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby.
Moe: Sure they are. They even talk, look [flips switch on a Homer figurine].
Homer Figurine: I peed my pants.
Homer: I recorded that for private use!
Quotes from Julie Kavner movies and TV shows - page 2 of 3
Bart: May I be excused, Mom?
Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner too.
Marge: Homer, please.
Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter, Marge. It must have been you. You've quit every job you've had. Cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler.
Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
Homer: Well if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job. [Picks up the phone and calls Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy.
Homer: Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson. The father of the big quitter. Well I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter too, and I quit [winks at phone].
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
Homer: So? [Screams].
Cape Feare - S5-E2
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. [Gallery laughs] Oh, now I get it. Ah ha ha, that's good.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [A few people raise their hands] Be honest. [Everyone raises their hands, including Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole.
Parole Board Member #1: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell-hole" when you could have said "pee-pee-soaked heck-hole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Well what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
Parole Board Member #3: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Board Member #2: Parole granted.
Dude, Where's My Ranch? - S14-E18
The Simpsons Family: ♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling...
Blue-haired Lawyer: Cease and desist! You are forbidden to perform that song without paying royalties to the copyright owner.
Marge: Nobody owns Christmas carols. They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Not true, but you are welcome to sing the many public domain carols, such as "O Tannenbaum," "Good King Wenceslas," "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring."
Homer: Those suck! They're worse than nothing! I could write way better songs.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Go ahead, but don't use A-flat or G-natural, those notes are owned by Disney.
Homer: [Moans.]
Blue-haired Lawyer: That's A-flat.
Homer: [Moans in a higher pitch.]
Blue-haired Lawyer: That's better.
Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he's sorta had it in for me since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.
Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5
[Homer runs naked through the kitchen, where Patty and Selma are eating.]
Patty: [after seeing Homer.] There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
There's No Disgrace Like Home - S1-E4
Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.
Weekend at Burnsie's - S13-E16
Marge: Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Whoa whoa, one question at a time.
Chinese Consulate: Your adoption application is in perfect order, except for one thing. You forgot to fill out the name of your husband.
Selma: Husband.
Chinese Consulate: Of course. The Chinese government only allows wholesome married couples to adopt. No hen without cock. I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
Selma: Don't worry, I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of MacGyver?
Chinese Consulate: Oh yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you.
[Marge is trying to purchase a sports cup for Bart.]
Marge: He's going to need, uh, protection.
Clerk: Sure, one helmet coming up.
Marge: I was thinking more like protection for, down there.
Clerk: Oh, why didn't you say so? Knee pads, you got it.
Marge: [Laughs nervously] I'm talking about his personal area.
Clerk: Aha, say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads.
Marge: Look, I want a cup.
Clerk: Cup? Could you spell that?
Marge: C-U-P. I wanna C-U... oh my god!