Quotes from Jim Varney movies and TV shows

Laura Jackson: What a stupid idiot.
Jed Clampett: Did you say something, ma'am?
Laura Jackson: What a stupendous intellect.
Jethro: That's cause I "grad-ge-ated" the sixth grade, ma'am. Only took three years.

Milburne Drysdale: I'm president of a bank.
Jethro: Wow, can I be president of a bank too?
Jed Clampett: Jethro that was a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale. Ask if you can be vice president.

Jed Clampett: Elly, Nature made you a girl, and here lately she's been gettin' more and more positive about it.

Ernest P. Worrell: No. I-I can't eat on an empty stomach.

Eddie (Chef #2): Jake's specialty du jour - eggs erroneous. It's made with powdered eggs and herbs and spices smuggled into this country by Tibetan monks.
Jake: Ernest, l want you to cut yourself a big knock out of these eggs erroneous.
Ernest P. Worrell: No, l-l can't eat on an empty stomach.
Jake: Why, of course you can. Eddie does, and look at that rosy glow to his teeth.

Ernest P. Worrell: This place, these kids, they're everything to me. I was a counselor. I had everything. And now it's all gone.

Nurse St. Cloud: Ernest, are you crazy? Those are grown men out there! You don't stand a chance!
Ernest P. Worrell: They ain't gonna get this camp.
Nurse St. Cloud: We can't win this fight without legal help!
Ernest P. Worrell: They ain't gonna get this camp.

Ernest P. Worrell: Did you hear the one about the three legged dog that walked into a bar and said, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."

Ernest P. Worrell: I've never been inside a restaurant that doesn't have a drive-thru window before.

Ernest P. Worrell: Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: 'Oscar Babe'.
Oscar Pendlesmythe: What?
Ernest P. Worrell: Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot.
Oscar Pendlesmythe: Pendlesmythe you idiot.

Ernest: How'd you do that?
Kenny: It's the milk! It eradicates them.
Ernest: Yeah, gets rid of them too.

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