Quotes from Jim Parsons movies and TV shows

The Extract Obliteration - S6-E6

Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I love brain teasers.
Stephen Hawking: What do Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener, neener.

The Staircase Implementation - S3-E22

Leonard: Oh, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: No, you don't screw the roommate agreement! The roommate agreement screws you!

The Big Bran Hypothesis - S1-E2

Sheldon: Oh Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

The Hawking Excitation - S5-E21

Howard: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk. Why would I do anything nice for you?
Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon: Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.

Pilot - S1-E1

Penny: Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!
Sheldon: It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?

The Desperation Emanation - S4-E5

Leonard: All right. Well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed.
Leonard: There ya go.

Super Grover ★

Pilot - S1-E1

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

The Bat Jar Conjecture - S1-E13

Sheldon: At this point, I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the very bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears!
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. [Turns to leave.] One more thing,
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch.

The Agreement Dissection - S4-E21

Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I am an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.

Super Grover ★

The Lizard-Spock Expansion - S2-E8

Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Super Grover ★

The Lizard-Spock Expansion - S2-E8

Sheldon: What happened?
Leonard: Howard's at the Mars Rover lab. He says he's in trouble. Defcon 5.
Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there's no need to rush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis.
Leonard: How can 5 not be worse than 1?
Raj: Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I.
Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that's a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.
Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.
Sheldon: No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
Leonard: Can we just forget I said Defcon and go?
Raj: Star Trek V!
Sheldon: All right, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is in-arguably the best?
Raj: I have three words for you. Wrath of Khan.

Super Grover ★

Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.

Sheldon: You participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.

Pilot - S1-E1

Sheldon: We are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

The White Asparagus Triangulation - S2-E9

[Sheldon points to a computer.]
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here.
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

The Dumpling Paradox - S1-E7

Sheldon: Every Saturday morning since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on that end of that couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
[Sheldon stares at Penny for some time.]
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment.

Pilot - S1-E1

Sheldon: You're not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart AND beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

Sheldon: You have about as much chance of going out with Penny as the Hubble Telescope has of finding that at the center of each black hole there's a little man with a flashlight trying to find the circuit breaker.

Pilot - S1-E1

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.

The Guitarist Amplification - S3-E7

Penny: Wow, Sheldon. I had no idea you made a board game.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Research Lab is more than just a board game. As it says in the box, "the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real."
Leonard Hofstadter: We must not be playing it right.