Quotes from Eric Christian Olsen movies and TV shows

Nick Brady: Dude, I think our bus crashed and we went to heaven.
Shawn Colfax: No... If we had, we'd have heard "We are crashing, we we are crashing."

Nick Brady: Bottomless breadsticks only keep you at the Olive Garden for so long, until at some point you look up and say 'Why the hell am I at the Olive Garden with all these fat people?'.

Nick Brady: Hiya Dick.
Dr. Rick: It's Rick!
Nick Brady: Ah, sorry, I don't know why I keep doing that. You just look like such a Dick to me.

Austin: All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."

Austin: My Freshmen year I threw 176 touchdown passes. My sophomore year I ran in 14 myself... With a sprained ankle, a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum, and a sub dermal hematoma.

Jake: Where's Janey?
Austin: Little Ms. Run Home To Her Daddy, ran home to her daddy.

Jake: How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?
Austin: I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... Material.
Jake: Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.

Austin: Let's make like a tree and... Branch!

Adam Finch: So, I'm gonna die because I floss?

Adam Finch: In the three years that I have known him, this is the most excited I have ever seen him.

Adam Finch: You know, I never believed in this shit.
Jonas: I always did.