Quotes from Amy Schumer movies and TV shows

Renee Bennett: I can eat whatever I want and still look like this.

Linda Middleton: Why did I ever let you talk to me into this?
Emily Middleton: I should have just listened to you... I love you.
Linda Middleton: This is great, but we've really got to get out of here, you know.
Emily Middleton: Yeah, we need to get out of here, okay.

Emily Middleton: Let's go out tonight. Hair, makeup, boobs... we're going out.
Linda Middleton: Emily, I am not going out at night.
Emily Middleton: Everything shouldn't be so scary.
Ruth: Oh, it damn well should. One in four tourists are kidnapped.
Emily Middleton: Not true.
Ruth: One, two, three... Somebody's missing.

Emily Middleton: Oh, not you. It was me. Can you kind of beat it? Cause you're a distraction.

Aaron: You were really, really good.
Amy: As it turns out, I am in terrible physical shape.
Aaron: Yeah, I saw that.
Amy: Could you see that?
Aaron: Yeah.
Amy: I am sweating more than I am proud of.

Aaron: Honey. You okay?
Amy: Did I get it?
Aaron: Did you get the basket?
Amy: Did it go in?
Aaron: Oh, of course not. You didn't get enough height.
Amy: No?
Aaron: No.
Amy: I thought I got a lot of height.
Aaron: No, no. Zero height.
Amy: No height, huh?
Aaron: Usually when people hit trampolines they go high, but, for some reason, you went down. You went straight down. Hard.

Amy: Ooh, I like Tom's sweater. Does he teach computer in a church basement?
Kim: Don't get all threatened just because you don't understand the concept of marriage.
Amy: You dress him like that just so no one else wants to have sex with him? That's cool.

Amy: I've been with a lot of guys.
Aaron: I don't care... How many?
Amy: I don't know. How many girls have you slept with?
Aaron: I've slept with three women.
Amy: Me too. I have slept with three women too.
Aaron: How many guys?
Amy: What, like, this year?

Amy: Aaron was telling me about this acupuncturist. She's supposedly amazing. She helps a lot of his patients with pain management and I really want her to take a look at you. Will you do that?
Gordon: I have no desire for an oriental woman to touch me above the waist.

Dianna: Your thoughts?
Amy: I'm sorry, I just... I don't know why we treat these athletes like heroes just because they can skate fast or kick a ball in a net. I just think it's weird. No offense. I just think that sports are stupid, and anyone who likes them is just, like, a lesser person. And has a small intellect.