Chuck Levine: Going in alive.
Larry Valentine: Coming out the same way.
Phone Operator: What is your name?
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine.
Phone Operator: I didn't quite hear that.
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine.
Phone Operator: You said, "Barry Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: Schmalintine.
Phone Operator: You said "Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: I was enunciating.
Phone Operator: You said, "I was enunciating!"
Larry Valentine: Wheeew.
Phone Operator: You said, "Wheeew!".
Asian Minister: Civil or religious?
Chuck Levine: Religious. I'm Jewish, I don't wanna piss my mother off.
Larry Valentine: I'm Catholic, I don't wanna piss Mel Gibson off.
Larry Valentine: Chuck. What's going on, man?
Chuck Levine: Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.
Larry Valentine: What?
Chuck Levine: They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be all right.
Larry Valentine: Oh, you know, you're such a dick.
Kevin McDonough: Hey, apple dumpling, what's crack-a-lacking?
Chuck Levine: Gay guys know how to dance good. It's like the law or some shit.
Chuck Levine: Let's go junior high on them.
Chuck Levine: Oh my God, it's homo-palooza.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: You guys are gonna be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory.
Jerky Boy: Mr. Valentine, you said you're a fireman.
Larry Valentine: Yes, that is correct.
Jerky Boy: Do you have two jobs? Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate.
Asian Minister: Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle.
Alex McDonough: You know, Larry's heavyset. Is that the kind of guy you've always been attracted to?
Chuck Levine: Ah no, he's my first fattie.
Alex McDonough: You guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
Chuck Levine: I float his boat and he sinks mine.
Kevin McDonough: Yeah, yeah! Gay love.
Larry Valentine: Chuck, we really pulled this one out our asses.
Chuck Levine: Bad choice of words there, Larry. Bad choice of words.
Clint Fitzer: What is this, 'Gays of Our Lives'?
Answer: No. He was not.
Paul Brannon