Agent K: Is that standard?
Agent J: No it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.
MIB Guard: It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causing all kinds of hell.
Laura: Half the time you were on your back!
Agent Jay: That's how I fight.
Agent Jay: Could I have your attention, please? [Neuralyzes the crowd.] Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been *eaten*. 'Cause you don't listen! You're ignorant! How's a man gonna come crashin' through the back of a subway win - that's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers!"Oh no, we've seen it all!" "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us Mr. Black man!" I ask you nicely to move forward to the next car, y'all just sit there like... [Neuralyzes the crowd again.] The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, you all have a nice evening.
Agent Jay: Jarra, you're under arrest for being that ugly and making that many copies.
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: K is back! The keeper of the light! All hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light.
Newton: Yes, gentlemen before I play the tape, one question, what's up with anal probing? I mean, aliens travel billions of light years just to check out our...
Agent J: Boy. Move!
Agent Jay: Am I supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?
Frank the Pug: Easy pal... That's canine profiling, and I resent it.
Jeebs: Smoke 'em if you got them.