Max Goldman: If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.
Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr.
Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.
John Gustafson: We did the horizontal mambo.
Max Goldman: She chose me, and anyone who says different is a damn liar.
Max Goldman: Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.
Max Goldman: When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.
Max Goldman: Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.
Max Goldman: Gotta use hot water, dickhead.
Grandpa Gustafson: Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.
Grandpa Gustafson: Drop that fish.
Max Goldman: Up yours, Gustafson.
Max Goldman: You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
Max Goldman: Hey dickhead you win the lottery?
Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact.
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.