Charlie Mackenzie: Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed?"He wants you back," he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It's really hard. This poem... sucks.
John Johnson: My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.
Stuart Mackenzie: Thirty years ago today, May and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren't born, and some of you are now deed! But, we both said "I do," and we haven't agreed on a single thing since.
May Mackenzie: That's true.
Stuart Mackenzie: But I'm glad I married you, May, because hey, could've been worse.
Stuart Mackenzie: Look at the size of that boy's heed.
Tony Giardino: Shhh.
Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.
Tony Giardino: Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.
Stuart Mackenzie: Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.
Tony Giardino: Shh.
Stuart Mackenzie: Has it's own weather system.
Tony Giardino: Sh, sh, shh.
Stuart Mackenzie: Head! move.
Stuart Mackenzie: Let's get pissed.
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you gotta believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Betty, Judy, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they make me horny, Saturday morny... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.
May Mackenzie: Charlie, would you like a juice?
May Mackenzie: Look at what I've bought myself, a Juice Tiger.
Charlie Mackenzie: A Juice Tiger?
May Mackenzie: Yes, I juice everything now.
May Mackenzie: I'm on a new diet.
May Mackenzie: I'm on a Weekly World News Garth Brooks Juice Diet.
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life... Jane, get me off this crazy thing called love.
Maureen O'Boyle: But first up tonight, the justice department reports an alarming rise in the number of poisoning murders across the United States. And that eighty seven per cent of the poison murders occur within the family.
Tony Giardino: What's the news?
Police Chief: Oh, you wanna hear the news? Well, here's the news! It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders.
Tony Giardino: I knew she would! I knew it.
Police Chief: Yeah! Right! Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase! A nutcase.
John Johnson: Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch." And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. (short pause) This way to the cafeteria.
Stuart Mackenzie: Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, not really. Usually I follow the Judao-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill." But, that's just me.