Phillip Morris: Enough romance. Let's fuck.
Joyce Klaven: Peter always connected better with women.
Zooey: You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.
Peter Klaven: Thank you fiancee.
Oswald Klaven: Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.
Peter Klaven: Oh come on!
Simon: I believe the technical term is a *fuckload* of boats!
Blanche Gunderson: And that's okay? It's okay to pull the rug out from under folks as long as it's nobody that you know? It's okay because we're just silly podunk Minnesotans, right? We talk funny and we ice-fish and we scrapbook and we drag Jesus into regular conversation. We're not cool like you, right? So we don't matter.
Sadie - age 9: Aram! Aram.
Frank Jr. - age 7: Mom is dead.
Aram Finklestein: What?
Frank Jr. - age 7: Come on.
Aram Finklestein: She's not dead.
Sadie - age 9: Could be post-mortem twitch.
Eloise: Can I say something? And, and this comes from a place of total humility. With the acknowledgment that my life is a day-by-day experiment in... really bad decisions. But, er... you're really messed up.
Irv: I'm not a god. That's just a rumor my mother started.
Beckett: Babies like to breathe, and they're good at hiding it. I put a pillow over a baby. I thought she wasn't breathing, but she was. She was sneaky, but I'll try again.
Hua Mulan: I don't want to fight any more. I don't want to be a General. I want to be a normal person.
Wentai: Who wants to fight? I also don't want to fight any more! If I could use my life to stop this battle, I would have done it a long time ago! The problem is, we cannot choose. Once you put on a General's armour, your life is no longer your own.
Abby Richter: My cat stepped on the remote.
Mike: Well, be sure to thank your pussy for me.
Louise: A relationship ending is like a death just two people know about. A whole life gets lost, everything we did together. All the places we traveled, the fights, the small moments of tenderness.
Seth Rogen: Your love glass is half full.
David Santiago: What you do with your life is, really just one half of the equation. The other half, the more important half, really is, who you're with when you're doing it.
Sam Shapiro: Writers are vampires. I'm waiting for the right girl to come along and make me a human being.
Stephanie: What would you say the limit to what you could show in movies these days is?
Guido Contini: What would you like to see that I haven't already shown you?
Tommy Frigo: Don't get all drunk and fall asleep.
James Brennan: Why?
Tommy Frigo: 'Cause i'll jack off on your face.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I Want To Tickle Your Belly Button... From The Inside.
Viraj Shergill: During surgery, I want to go back to Punjab, Take me to Punjab, I want my mother, I want my lawyer, he works in a laundry.
Viraj Shergill: About to be operated on, Are you making a hole to dubai.
Alan: What happened to you guys?
Captain Tony Stone: Oh, I wouldn't worry, we do all our own stunts.