Matt: The only reason you stay here is so you can fuck my mother and eat her food. motherfucker. food eater.
Marion Cobretti: You're a disease, and I'm the cure.
Remy McSwain: If I can't have you, can I have my gator?
[The phone rings].
Sam Stone: Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here, who's this? Well Ralph, Debbie can't talk right now, my dick's in her mouth. How about I have her call you back when I'm done. [Hangs up phone] I love wrong numbers!
William of Baskerville: The only evidence I see of the antichrist here is everyones desire to see him at work.
Margaret 'Meg' Magrath: Why'd you do it, Babe? Why'd you put your head in the oven?
Rebeca 'Babe': I don't know... I'm having a bad day.
Mark Kaminsky: Because of you a lot of people are dead. And now it's your turn.
Hercule Poirot: Have you ever noticed a secret passage that does not start in the library?
Hercule Poirot: Mr. South.
Eddie South: "Eddie"'s fine.
Hercule Poirot: Mr. South.
Arabella McGee: You're welcome, dildo-nose.
Harry Doyle: And I ain't goin' to your funeral.
Archie Long: You ain't invited.
Laura J. Kelly: Don't lose him.
Tom Logan: I'm not going to lose him. Where is he?
Alex Sternbergen: I gotta call Jackie, maybe he call help. He's smart, he knows the people that are in charge.
Turner Kendall: In charge of what?
Alex Sternbergen: Everything. The world.
Turner Kendall: He's a hair dresser.
Alex Sternbergen: That's what he does, that's not what he is.
Motel philosopher: Remember, no matter what, it's better to be a live dog than a dead lion.
Jill: You got a name?
Brad Whitewood Jr.: Brad?
Jill: You don't sound so sure.
Maggie Cavanaugh: Just remember, when you pull the trigger, the bullets come out going very, very fast. So make sure to keep the weapon pointing away from you. Now that's about it. You are now armed... guards. God help us all.
Sandy: I don't know if you're a detective or a pervert.
Jeffrey: Well, that's for me to know and you to find out.
Capt. Proctor: Mahoney must think he's as dumb as we are.
Jack Casey: Sometimes things don't happen the way you planned, sometimes you could end up lower than you started.