Stuart: If that woman ever shows her face again, I will unleash a punishment upon her she cannot even fathom.
Carter: What are you gonna do? You gonna date her?
Mike: This is like a step back in time.
Owen Kingston: Though men like us look to the future.
Paul: I can't seem to get Claudia pregnant. Every night she's on my back riding me.
Mike: I think I've zeroed in on your problem.
Mike: There are 10 commandments. I'd like your dates to check out on at least 7 of them.
Charlie: Sir. You called me Charlie.
Mayor Winston: Ah, don't let it go to your head, Mike.
Mike: I know the German word for constipation, which I believe is farfrompoopin.
Caitlin: Mike, believe it or not, the whole universe does not revolve around you.
Mike: Are you calling my mom a liar?
Heidi Klum: We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.
Mayor Winston: Did you know that when I was in college, I made a student film?
Mike: Really?
Mayor Winston: The Yale Daily News called it "an incoherent mess."
Mike: My friend Sebastian saw you at a dance club Friday night.
Stacey: How'd he know it was me.
Mike: You had your tongue in his mouth.
James: Stewart, I don't feel well. Knowing about Mike's mom and the Mayor is killing me.
Stuart: James, secrets are power. You get something good like this, you sit on it. Right now, you leak it, it's just office gossip that makes everyone uncomfortable, but, in 20 years when Mike's running for President, this little gem gets me an ambassadorship to Sweden.
James: What do I get?
Stuart: Topless postcard from Sweden.
Paul: If this gets out then I'll be the laughingstock of the city.
Stuart: Oh that ship has sailed.
James: How many women have you slept with?
Stuart: Roughly.
James: I don't care how you did it, you sicko.
Mike: Hey, that is it. I'm officially taking down the suggestion box. "Wisconsin Rules!" is not a suggestion.
James: I know, I just wanted to hear someone else say it. Wisconsin Rules.
Holly: I don't have the patience to ask you again. Leave me alone or I'll have you terminated.
Stuart: You can't fire me.
Holly: I meant killed.
Stuart: I remember the first time I got mugged. It was by a woman. She came up to me, made small talk, put her hand in my pocket, and made off with my wallet.
James: That's horrible.
Stuart: I've paid more to get less.
Mike: I had sex with this woman, Kevin. And she wants to get pregnant. She kidnapped my "guys"! And she put them in the freezer.
Kevin: That old story.
Mayor Winston: I am not a child, and I will not be treated like one.
Charlie: Sir, you forgot your shoes.
Mayor Winston: I don't care.
Mayor Winston: Mike, look out that window. We preside over the greatest city in the world.
Mike: Sir, that's New Jersey.
Mike: My grandmother thought that a homosexual was a person who slept with one person their whole life. We were gonna let it slide but she kept telling the mailman she was a homosexual.
