Detective Ron Harris: So What do you do for fun? Watch TV?
Amish Farmer: It's not in the bible.
Detective Ron Harris: Movies?
Amish Farmer: Not in the Bible.
Detective Ron Harris: Play cards? Gamble?
Amish Farmer: It's not in the Bible.
Detective Ron Harris: What DO you DO for fun?
Amish Farmer: Got 14 kids. THAT'S in the Bible.
Captain Barney Miller: Arrest the first naked guy you see with a dirty mouth.
Dietrich: Was that Mrs. Miller?
Barney Miller: Yeah.
Dietrich: Past tense was unintentional.
Barney Miller: What happened Levitt?
Levitt: I talked it over with a couple of doctors and they said 'forget it'.
Barney Miller: Incurable, hunh?
Levitt: Yes sir. Five six and a half, that's it.
Yemana: Barney, divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don't fix the leg.
Yemana: Then Fish runs in the alley and he leaps over us like one of those, what do you call those things in Africa that run and leap in the air?
Detective Ron Harris: Slaves.
Captain Barney Miller: So Dietrich, big plans for the weekend?
Dietrich: No, I'm staying home. I've gotten involved in the New Celibacy Movement.
Captain Barney Miller: Oh, Yeah? What's that?
Dietrich: Its a movement for people who are fed up with the whole shallow dating scene.
Captain Barney Miller: Couldn't get a date, huh?
Dietrich: Not a single one.
Marty: If you want real police brutaity, wait until I tell you what they served me for lunch.
Barney Miller: That's not the way we operate around here. We do everything by the book, according to regulations, above board.
Del Veccio: I believe you.
Barney Miller: You don't look like you do.
Del Veccio: It's my face. I mean this face doesn't look like it trusts anybody. When I proposed to my wife, she thought I was joking. This face is a curse.
Detective Ron Harris: Hey Fish, does it hurt when those stones come out?
Fish: It can't be too bad. The doctor says it's like giving birth.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Barney, do you think Kelly's just a big mouth? Or, is he really going to try to make trouble?
Barney Miller: I think Kelly is just a big mouth... who's really going to try to make trouble.
Yemana: He's probably after me. Kelly's always had a thing about Orientals being on the police force. He says we screw up the look of the Saint Patrick's Day Parade.
