Jeffrey Moss: You know, if I hadn't found you crawling around on my floor, I wouldn't be invited anyplace. I'd just be resting comfortably, face down, in the gutter.
Dino: Now look lady, you may have heard a lot of singers but you ain't heard nothin' sung till you've heard me sung it.
Dino: There was the one about this doctor, you see? He was examining a girl's knee and he says, "What's a joint like this doing on a pretty girl like you?"
Tom Elder: Mr. Hastings, you know everybody around here: Can you tell us who is the dirty stinkin' lowdown rat that shot our pa?
Michael Whiteacre: Look, I've read all the books. I know that in 10 years we'll be bosom friends with the Germans and the Japanese. Then I'll be pretty annoyed that I was killed.
Draft Board Physician: You know, for a man your age, you're in excellent health. How do you manage it?
Michael Whiteacre: Clean liquor.
Michael Whiteacre: Sometimes I think I give off a scent or something, you know, rouses the female.
Noah Ackerman: Hmm?
Michael Whiteacre: Those girls.
Noah Ackerman: Where?
Michael Whiteacre: Oh now wait a minute. You mean to tell me that you didn't-Oh your antenna's turned off.
Noah Ackerman: No, I frankly didn't notice.
Michael Whiteacre: Oh, you're sick.
Michael Whiteacre: Have you ever had a girl?
Noah Ackerman: Have I ever had a girl?
Michael Whiteacre: That's what I thought.
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