Quotes from Zach Galifianakis movies and TV shows

Ben Baker: How can you live here without looking for a high place to jump from?

Therman: I want you to say, "You can eat my pudding."

Ben: You all right?
Mooch: Yeah!
Ben: Good! I don't like when my fly is down.

Alan: When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.

Stu: Yeah I got two thirds of it - he said something about the garden of meditation.
Alan: No, he said I'm farting because of my medication.

Alan: This is kind of nice, isn't it? The three of us back together again?

Alan: So what are you a doctor?
Teddy: No, not yet, I'm pre med.
Alan: Ever heard of that guy Doogie Howser?
Teddy: Yeah?
Alan: Well, he turned out to be a gay.

Alan: None of you know Stu like I do. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not nobody knows Stu like I do. No one. I can't even tell you what we've been through because we made a pact, more important than blood. What I can tell you is this. This is not Stu's first marriage. There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple of years ago..."
Phil: Time's up.

Alan: I'm a stay at home son.

Alan: We can't be friends anymore. When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.
Mr. Chow: Yeah, but that's the point! It's funny!

Chico: Where is he? Leslie Chow stole twenty million from me, and I figure the Wolf Pack have the best chance of finding him! Doug is my insurance!
Alan: Can't you take Stu instead?

Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... Or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?
Alan Garner: Counting cards isn't illegal. It's frowned upon... Like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Maybe since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!

Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.

Alan Garner: Tigers love pepper... They hate cinnamon.

Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.

Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.

Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. 'Cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call them floories.
Alan Garner: Or rapies.

Alan Garner: We're a wolf pack of four, wandering the desert, searching for strippers and cocaine.

Stu Price: Oh my God, I can't believe I gave away my grandmother's Holocaust ring to a complete stranger.
Alan Garner: I didn't even know they gave out rings during the Holocaust.