Quotes from Mel Brooks movies and TV shows

[Looking at Vampire Lucy in her coffin.]
Jonathan Harker: Now she's dead.
Van Helsing: No.
Jonathan Harker: She's alive?
Van Helsing: No, she's Nosferatu.
Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?

[Attempting to kill vampire Lucy.]
Van Helsing: Hit her again. How much blood can she have left?

Van Helsing: And if she dies a victim of this unspeakable creature, she will become one herself!
Dr. Seward and Jonathan Harker: What?
Van Helsing: She will become one herself!

Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Professor Little Old Man.
Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: "Lillolman." "Lillolman."

Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: You want to x-ray the celery? What do you think we're smuggling dope in the celery? The celery's not for dope. It's for dip.

Victoria Brisbane: Have you seen my father at the Institute? Is he all right?
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: He's fine, he's fine. He's coming along just fine. He's very affectionate. He licked me.
Victoria Brisbane: He what?
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Well, he thinks he's a dog these days.
Victoria Brisbane: A dog?
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: A dog, yes.
Victoria Brisbane: Do you mind if I smoke?

Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Do you really think this is nessa...?
Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: Of course it's nessa.

Count De Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy.
King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit.

God: Moses, this is the lord thy god, commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?
Moses: Yes. I hear you, I hear you. A deaf man could hear you.
God: What?
Moses: Nothing. Forget it.

King Louis XVI: Ah, now there's a naughty bit o' crumpet.

Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice.

King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money.
Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "
King Louis XVI: Don't correct me.

King Louis XVI: Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! Gangbang.

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a bullshit artist.
Comicus: Grumble.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
Comicus: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to bullshit last week?
Comicus: Yes.

Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't.
King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it.

Goddard Bolt: I did it! I did it.
A man sitting/leaning back, on a building.: Where did he do it? Not here, I hope.

Goddard Bolt: They force me to live in the crap, and now they're taking the crap away? No.

Computer: This ship will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds. Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six.
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Computer: Just kidding.

Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
President Skroob: Alright, I'll give it a shot. What the hell, it works on Star Trek.

President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?