Spaceballs

Spaceballs (1987)

19 quotes

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

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Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it!
[The gunman turns around and is cross-eyed.]
Gunman: Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Cross-eyed gunman 2: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Col. Sanders: He's an asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that, what's his name?
Col. Sanders: That is his name, sir. "Asshole." Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Col. Sanders: He's an asshole too, sir. Gunners mate, Second-class Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?
Everyone on the ship: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes.

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Druidian Priest: I'm not taking any more chances. The short, short version. Do you?
Lone Starr: Yes.
Druidian Priest: Do you?
Princess Vespa: Yes.
Druidian Priest: Good. You're married. Kiss her.

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Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.

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[The self destruction cancellation button is out of order.]
Dark Helmet: F**k! Even in the future nothing works!

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Lord Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Lord Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Lord Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now, now.
Lord Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Lord Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Lord Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't
Lord Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Lord Helmet: When.
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Lord Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.

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Bishop73

Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
President Skroob: Alright, I'll give it a shot. What the hell, it works on Star Trek.

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Col. Sandurz: Lord Helmet.
Dark Helmet: WHAT?!
Col. Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!
Col. Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Col. Sandurz: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good.

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Dark Helmet: Shit! I hate getting my Schwartz twisted!

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Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!

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Princess Vespa: Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!

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Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

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Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

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Lone Starr: Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.

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Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that we've got this thing about death... It's not us!

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Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?

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Druidian Priest: Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.

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Barf: I'm a Mawg; half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.

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Mistakes

The head of Mega-Maid mysteriously shrinks in size. After Spaceball-1 transforms into Mega-Maid, the head is gigantic enough for a Winnebago to fly through for a considerable length of time. However, later on in the film, after the head has been jettisoned and crashed on a beach, the head is only big enough to hold a few dozen people. This can be determined by the size of the people coming out of her nose.

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Trivia

On the DVD case, Barf's eye patch is different from where it is the rest of the movie.

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