Quotes from Jason Bateman movies and TV shows

Pilot - S1-E1

Michael: They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out. [Silence.] Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen. [Gasps.] Interesting. I would have expected that after "they're keeping Dad in jail."

Pilot - S1-E1

Lucille: I'm giving the company to Buster.
Michael: Buster? You're giving the company to a guy who thought the blue on the map was land?

Barry Zuckerkorn: So basically you're about 2,000 shares short of being the majority stock holders. Now unfortunately it's a private stock so you can not just buy up the shares unless someone is willing to sell
Michael: Are you sure?
Barry Zuckerkorn: That's what it said on 'Ask Jeeves'.

Lucille: You idiots. If your father sees me here with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry.
Wayne Jarvis: I shall duck behind that little garbage car.
Michael: Guy's a pro.

Lucille: The company is in danger.
Michael: What tipped you off? The falling profit margins or the fact that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's most ridiculous item of the day?

Proctor at Spelling Bee: So, are you a judge?
Guy Trilby: No. I'm the winner.

Jenny Widgeon: I was wondering what the grammatical significance of that sentence is: "Why run from fire ants?"
Guy Trilby: Well, every vowel's in there, starting with the u, going to the a. Right, it's backwards?
Jenny Widgeon: ...Well, I guess it's pretty easy, y'know, for a sentence. Y'know, I wish there was one word that had all the vowels in it in alphabetical order.
Guy Trilby: "Facetious."
Jenny Widgeon: Sonofabitch.

Guy Trilby: Hey, Moms, let's break out the rubber pillowcases tonight. Little pricks, you're gonna be countin' tears, not sheep.

Chaitanya Chopra: Not everything is about winning.
Guy Trilby: I know that's true. Closure is pretty nice too.

Guy Trilby: I'm not that good at a lot of stuff. Especially thinking things through. And that's why this plan was so shitty. But my feelings were hurt, and I'm glad I at least did something about it. Making bad decisions is nothing new to me.

Dave: What if she wants to have sex tonight?
Mitch Planko: You are not having sex with my wife.

Dave: Is it weird I miss your penis?
Mitch Planko: Ah, come on, it would be weird if you didn't.

Suzie: Who'd you want to have an affair with, anyway?
Joel: Just some criminal drifter.

Joel: What is it with women? Y'know, they say they don't care about looks - they just want a guy who's smart and funny - but they always just end up laughing at whatever the good-looking stupid guy says.

Joel: If I don't get home before 8, she puts on the sweatpants.
Joel: And once the sweatpants are on, I get nothing.

Gary: You have three bags of Tostitos?
Max: Yes...it was a three for one sale.
Gary: That can't be lucrative for Frito Lay.
Max: Corporations huh... I don't know what they're doing anymore.

Simon: Back then, everybody had a name. I was Simple Simon.
Robyn: Kids, kids are mean.
Simon: Kids are honest.

Ron: Normally, friendships grow organically. And if they don't serve both parties, they just kind of dissipate.
Simon: Yeah, that'd be great.
Ron: What you're talking about is, you know, an asymmetric thing. A one-sided friendship? I mean, essentially you're being forced into a breakup.

Ray Embrey: People don't like you, Hancock.
Hancock: Do I look like I care what people think?

Motherfucker Jones: I think I can help you boys.
Kurt Buckman: Are you a businessman?
Motherfucker Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
Dale Arbus: Your first name is 'Motherfucker?
Motherfucker Jones: My real name is Dean.
Nick Hendricks: Dean Jones, that's the same name of the actor in Herbie and the Love Bug.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, he probably doesn't even know who that is.
Motherfucker Jones: I know who he is, bitch. I can't walk around this fucking neighborhood with that Disney-ass name.