Quotes from Clark Duke movies and TV shows

Swin: Excuse me, ma'am? Do you happen to know where the radishes are?
Lady: I don't know, with the vegetables I guess. That's an educated guess.
Swin: [chuckles] New in town, name's Swin.
Lady: Oh, your name's about as dumb as mine. Johnna.
Swin: Pleasure. Really, no tellin' how long I'll be in the area. Yeah, I'm a freelance government auditor. Let's get this courtship underway.
Johnna: I'm on shift tonight.
Swin: What about tomorrow night?
Johnna: Church.
Swin: I'm actually working - did you say Church?
Johnna: Yeah, you should try it sometime.
Swin: I have. We all have.
Johnna: Well, try again. Maybe it'll stick. [Pushes her cart away and Swin chuckles. Swin catches up to Johnna loading groceries into her trunk] Can I help you with something?
Swin: What about Saturday?
Johnna: This is creepy. The radishes and then this following me out to my car. You're... You're just creepy.
Swin: Do you like creepy? (00:14:25)

KeyZOid

Pat: Would either of you boys like to call me sir? You can if you want. I won't think it's corny.
Swin: We're gonna go traffic drugs across state lines, sir! (00:13:13)

KeyZOid

Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!
Jacob: That was the 60's dipshit.
Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS.

Jacob: I have some Ativan, but it's different.
Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!
Jacob: It's not a suppository!
Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!

Adam: One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.
Jacob: Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented.
Lou: Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.
Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.
Lou: Yeah. No. I don't care about that.

Jacob: Do I really gotta be the asshole who says we got in this thing and went back in time?

Jacob: This is scientifically possible!
Nick: Tell us how it's scientifically possible, Professor Hawking.
Jacob: I will, 'cause I write Stargate fan fiction; this is my bread and butter, man!
Nick: Oh my God, I seriously almost passed out you're such a dork.

Jacob: I've dated a lot of girls, hot ones.
Lou: You've dated a lot of guys, gay ones.

Jacob: I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?
Girl at Club: Can you what?
Jacob: Are you online at all?
Girl at Club: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jacob: How do I get a hold of you?
Girl at Club: You come find me.
Jacob: That sounds... Exhausting.

Lou: Let's go check out the future strip club situation.
Nick: High five.
Jacob: Did you just say "high five" instead of high five-ing?

Thug Prisoner: Hey! Hey ladies.
Lance: Hey how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a problem.
Thug Prisoner: How about you just, uh... chill out man. Be cool.
Lance: Alright we good?
Thug Prisoner: Yea, we're good.

Lance: It's like knives.

Ian: There's no service out here. I can't even tell her I'll be late.
Lance: Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting. You don't want to come off as desperate.
Ian: I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?
Lance: We had shit to do?

Lance: I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?

Ian: Is there a cock and ball on the front of me again?
Lance: Like a little tree trunk.