Quotes from Chris Parnell movies and TV shows

Archer: Oh my God, you killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a call girl!
Archer: No, Cyril, when they’re dead, they’re just hookers!

Archer Vice: Baby Shower - S5-E6

Ray: No, we have to play games at the baby shower. There's Don't Drop the Baby, uh, Dirty Diaper Game.
Cyril: What in God's name is the Dirty Diaper Game?
Ray: Oh, my God, it's hilarious. You get a bunch of newborn diapers, then you microwave different candy bars...
Cyril: Stop! Yeah, let me stop you there because, if you finish that sentence, I'm going to rub cocaine in your eyes until you are blind.
Ray: Goddamn, Shawshank.

Bishop73

Pilot - S1-E1

Jerry: With all due respect, Rick. What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son suppose to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for a high-concept sci-fi rigmarole?
Rick: Listen, Jerry, I, I, I don't wanna overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you something, I tell you how, how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. Guy, guy up front says two plus two, the people in the back say four. Then, then the bell rings and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. It's, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue.

Bishop73

Big Trouble in Little Sanchez - S2-E7

Rick: Will you fix your marriage or get a divorce already?!
Jerry: Well, we tried a couples therapist.
Rick: That's earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean he'll try his best, but mostly he's just gonna get horrified.

Jon Sandys ★