Quotes from Chris Barrie movies and TV shows

Gordon Brittas: It is seven years to the day since the first member of the public walked through those doors.
Gavin Featherly: And you threw him out, Mr. Brittas.
Gordon Brittas: He was wearing unauthorised water wings, Gavin.

Gordon Brittas: Since I have been manager, I am proud to say there have only been twenty-three deaths. And not one of them was a staff member.

Gordon Brittas: Laura, how's the lorry driver?
Laura Lancing: Yeah, I gave him your message about staying, Mr. Brittas. He said he's rather take his chances in the snow.

Gordon Brittas: Every time I walk into a room, a fight seems to break out.

Gordon Brittas: I'm afraid Carole is having some sort of nervous collapse. She's to have counselling sessions with Mrs. Brittas.
Julie: Isn't that a bit like taking coals to Newcastle?

Julie: Why can't we use the canteen?
Gordon Brittas: If you remember, Julie, the canteen was sealed by the police until after the inquest.
Gavin Featherly: But if there's food in there.
Laura Lancing: I spoke to one of the forensic scientist, Gavin. Believe me, you wouldn't want to touch it.

White Hole - S4-E4

Rimmer: The thing about Captain Oates... The thing you have to remember about Captain Oates... Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat.

Balance of Power - S1-E3

Lister: I'm going to pass the exams and become an officer.
Rimmer: Oh, come on, wise up, Lister!
Lister: You'll have to salute me, Rimmer! You'll have to call me "sir!" You'll have to give me Kochanski! And me cigarettes!
Rimmer: And on that day, Lister, Satan will be skating to work.

Waiting For God - S1-E4

[Rimmer convinces Holly to show him the captains files on the crew.]
Rimmer: Give me...give me Lister's. Just the remarks.
Holly: David Lister, Technician,3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."
Rimmer: I always liked Captain Hollister. Such a great reader of men, was Captain Hollister. A marvellous, marvellous man and a tragic loss to us all. All right, Holly, give me...give me mine.
Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician,2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility but constantly fails the engineering exam."
Rimmer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holly, Holly. I want *my* report. Rimmer. Two M's, E, R.
Holly: "Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical."
Rimmer: No no no no no, Holly. I want *Rimmer*. That's two R's, one at the front, one at the back.

Dimension Jump - S4-E5

Ace Rimmer: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!

Demons & Angels - S5-E5

Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat, this is not a daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.

Stoke Me A Clipper - S7-E2

[Rimmer has become the new "Ace" Rimmer.]
Rimmer: Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.

Thanks For The Memory - S2-E3

[Rimmer is drunk.]
Lister: What time is it?
Rimmer: [Crawls over to the alarm clock.] Saturday.
Lister: Is that the best you can do?
Rimmer: There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything.

Terrorform - S5-E3

[Rimmer is being taken by a group of hooded guards on a cross]
Rimmer: Look, I don't know who you are, or what you think you're doing, but I demand my right to a phone call.
[The guards stop]
Rimmer: Yes, I thought that'd stop you. I thought the threat of legal action would have you running for cover.
[Rimmer is now being dragged by the guards]
Rimmer: Look, I'm trying to keep my temper, but you really are pushing your luck now miladdikins.

Casual Person

Terrorform - S5-E3

[Rimmer has been chained up]
Rimmer: Is this the British Embassy? Does it even look the remotest bit like the British Embassy? I want to know who you are, what I'm doing here, and I want to know now.
Hooded Guard: In accordance with the appetites of the Dark One, the vicious ruler of this domain, we, the holy legions, proffer up this sacrifice to slake the vile depraved thirsting of the Unspeakable One.
Rimmer: Well, that's cleared that up.

Casual Person

Terrorform - S5-E3

[The Unspeakable One rises in front of Rimmer]
Rimmer: Boy, am I glad to see you. You must be the Unspeakable One. Just to fill you in, there's been a gigantic administrative cock-up. Some of your staff have somehow mistaken me for a virgin.
Unspeakable One: Stop your putrid whining, you dank gift of rectal public hair.
Rimmer: Sorry. Yes, I do tend to jabber on when I'm a bit nervous.

Casual Person