Quotes from Allison Janney movies and TV shows

Lily: You guys do what you need to do. Your baby won't care. Kids are resilient. And they're genetically predetermined anyway. They're screwed up out of the womb. So what? They'll have cell phones, they'll be fine. Okay?

Amber Atkins: Loretta, never have kids.
Loretta: Oh, honey, God bless ya for thinking I still could.

Candy Striper: Hello Miss Sad Pants, and her friend, Serious Sally! How about a nice cool mint to help turn those frowns upside down?
Loretta: Do you think a nice cool mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?

Loretta: Why do I think Becky'll win? You're talking about the richest family in a small town. It's front page news when one of them takes a shit.

Loretta: Are we on 'Cops' again?

LaVona Golden: Call that a clean skate, for Christ's sake?
Skater Mom: Do not swear in front of the kids.
LaVona Golden: I didn't swear, you cunt.

LaVona Golden: You fuck dumb. You don't marry dumb.

Juno MacGuff: We don't even have a dog.
Bren MacGuff: Well that's because you're allergic to their saliva. I've made a lot of sacrifices for you, Juno, and in a few years, when you move out, I'm getting weimaraners.
Juno MacGuff: Woah, dream big.

Mac MacGuff: Did you see that coming?
Bren MacGuff: Yeah... But I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff: Or DWI... Anything but this.

Vanessa Loring: How do I look?
Bren MacGuff: Like a new mom. Scared shitless.

Betty: Oh, and Bob, that's my ex-husband. Finally came out of the closet. Not a shock. Let's just say that, in bed, his favorite view was the back of my head.

Pilot - S1-E1

C.J. Cregg: Is there anything I can say other than the President rode his bicycle into a tree?
Leo McGarry: He hopes never to do it again.
C.J. Cregg: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.
Leo McGarry: He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J., what do you want me...? "The President, while riding his bicycle, came to a sudden arboreal stop."

Josh: You know what, CJ? I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista. Wow, that was way too far.
C.J.: No. No. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard, fascist, missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass.
Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J.: I'm a whole new woman.

He Shall, from Time to Time - S1-E12

C.J. Cregg: What are you taking?
President Josiah Bartlet: I don't know. My wife hands me pills, I swallow them with water.
Sam Seaborn: Sir?
President Josiah Bartlet: Vitamin C, Vitamin B. Is it possible I'm taking something called euthanasia?
Sam Seaborn: Echinacea?
President Josiah Bartlet: Ah, that sounds more like it.

Shibboleth - S2-E8

C.J.: Sorry to ask you this, sir, but...
President Bartlet: Not too late to stop yourself.
C.J.: I need you to pardon a turkey.
President Bartlet: I already pardoned a turkey.
C.J.: I need you to pardon another one.
President Bartlet: Didn't I do it right?
C.J.: You did it great, but I need you to come out here and pardon another one.
President Bartlet: Aren't I going to get a reputation for being soft on turkeys?
C.J.: Sir, can you come out here and just get this over with?
President Bartlet: No, I'm not gonna just get this... What the hell's going on?
C.J.: They sent me two turkeys. The more photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
President Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.

Pilot - S1-E1

Leo McGarry: [on the phone with the New York Times.] 17 across. Yes,17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
C.J. Cregg: Leo.
Leo McGarry: They hang up on me every time.