Crew Guy: Fuckin' beauty queens blowing chunks everywhere. I-I've never seen anything like it before, and I live in L.A.
Candy Striper: Hello Miss Sad Pants, and her friend, Serious Sally! How about a nice cool mint to help turn those frowns upside down?
Loretta: Do you think a nice cool mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?
Colleen Douglas: Look at that one there. I think that she's had a boob job.
Terry Macey: Oh, come on. She's too young for a boob job.
Colleen Douglas: They do that at birth now, what are you talking about?
Amber Atkins: Oh yeah. Guys get out of Mount Rose all the time on hockey scholarships... or prison.
Tammy Curry: This one's for varsity soccer, I'm captain. I run track and, uh, right here, I'm the new president of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.
Gladys Leeman: Our 2nd runner-up and winner of a $50 scholarship to the Vo-Tech of her choice is Leslie Miller.
Gladys Leeman: He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms.
Pregnant Fry Girl: This pageant is like a roach motel.
Fry Girl: Girls check in but they don't check out.
Annette Atkins: I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house. You go find the guy who cut 'em off.
Loretta: Why do I think Becky'll win? You're talking about the richest family in a small town. It's front page news when one of them takes a shit.
Becky Ann Leeman: I chose Mount Rushmore. 'Cause to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans who did so much to make our country super great. Well, that makes me Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American.
Pastor: And so, dear Lord, it is with deep sadness that we turn over to you this young woman, whose dream to ride on a giant swan resulted in her death. Maybe it is your way of telling us... to buy American.
Amber Atkins: Yah, my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming, like, this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Hanson, found my tap costume on the roof o' their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part: it was still on the hanger.
Gladys Leeman: Oh, my baby... Oh my God, the swan ate my baby.
Mary Johanson: With one week to go before the pageant, I was finishing my outfit, rehearsing my talent, brushing up on current events, and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories. I was ready.
Loretta: Are we on 'Cops' again?
Colleen Douglas: I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass. I can look at it and say it's half-full, which in the beauty pageant biz means "Where the hell's my waiter?"
Iona Hildebrandt: I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess 1945. We were at war with the Japs. Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Had to turn it in for scrap.
Colleen Douglas: Stop with the friggin' Marco Polo or I'll come over there and rip your fat little heads off.