Loretta: Are we on 'Cops' again?
Mary Johanson: With one week to go before the pageant, I was finishing my outfit, rehearsing my talent, brushing up on current events, and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories. I was ready.
Amber Atkins: Yah, my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming, like, this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Hanson, found my tap costume on the roof o' their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part: it was still on the hanger.
Becky Ann Leeman: I chose Mount Rushmore. 'Cause to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans who did so much to make our country super great. Well, that makes me Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American.
Annette Atkins: I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house. You go find the guy who cut 'em off.
Gladys Leeman: He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms.
Tammy Curry: This one's for varsity soccer, I'm captain. I run track and, uh, right here, I'm the new president of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.
Colleen Douglas: Look at that one there. I think that she's had a boob job.
Terry Macey: Oh, come on. She's too young for a boob job.
Colleen Douglas: They do that at birth now, what are you talking about?
Crew Guy: Fuckin' beauty queens blowing chunks everywhere. I-I've never seen anything like it before, and I live in L.A.
Annette Atkins: I am reaching the point where I would kill someone for the nicotine under their fingernails.
Iona Hildebrandt: I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess 1945. We were at war with the Japs. Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Had to turn it in for scrap.
Amber Atkins: Loretta, never have kids.
Loretta: Oh, honey, God bless ya for thinking I still could.
Gladys Leeman: Oh, my baby... Oh my God, the swan ate my baby.
Pastor: And so, dear Lord, it is with deep sadness that we turn over to you this young woman, whose dream to ride on a giant swan resulted in her death. Maybe it is your way of telling us... to buy American.
Loretta: Why do I think Becky'll win? You're talking about the richest family in a small town. It's front page news when one of them takes a shit.
Pregnant Fry Girl: This pageant is like a roach motel.
Fry Girl: Girls check in but they don't check out.
Gladys Leeman: Our 2nd runner-up and winner of a $50 scholarship to the Vo-Tech of her choice is Leslie Miller.
Amber Atkins: Oh yeah. Guys get out of Mount Rose all the time on hockey scholarships... or prison.
Candy Striper: Hello Miss Sad Pants, and her friend, Serious Sally! How about a nice cool mint to help turn those frowns upside down?
Loretta: Do you think a nice cool mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?
Lisa Swenson: Why? Well, ah, it's kind of like askin' why all the guys chew Copenhagen, you know? I mea - If you're 17, and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do.
