Quotes from Alan Alda movies and TV shows

Bill Warren: You're not the same woman I left nine years ago.
Hannah Warren: And I have the missing ovaries to prove it.

Ira Levinson: Love requires sacrifice, always.

Ira Levinson: She had a great eye for talent, but I only had eyes for her.

Frank Burns: You disgust me!
Hawkeye: You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.

Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Hawkeye: You're only off by two letters.

Officer of the Day - S3-E3

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got into this war, I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns.
Frank: Humpf!
Hawkeye: I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune...I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, Carry Me Back to Old Virginny. I'll even Hari Kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

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Divided We Stand - S2-E1

Radar: Captain, it's me, Radar.
Hawkeye: Get out of here, Radar, or I'll sever every nerve in your butt!

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Your Hit Parade - S6-E18

BJ: Radar, old buddy, looking at you is like looking at money in the bank
Radar: All the other tents, they just say 'hello'
BJ: Would you like to join us?
Radar: What are you playing?
Hawkeye: Double Kranko
Radar: Yeah.
Hawkeye: Uh, bishops are worth three jacks...
Radar: Right...
Hawkeye: Checkers are wild...
Radar: Uh-huh
Hawkeye: And...you have to be twenty-one or older to open
BJ: Care to sit in for a hand?
Hawkeye: You'll get out by dawn.
Radar: Ah, no, thank you, sirs. Whenever I lose, I like to know why.

Hawkeye: If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.

The Trial of Henry Blake - S2-E8

Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Nurse: What?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hey Hawk, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye: [To the nurse.] See?

Chief Surgeon Who? - S1-E4

Frank: Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?
Hawkeye: Swill gin?! Sir, I have sipped, lapped, and taken gin intravenously, but I have never swilled.

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5 O'Clock Charlie - S2-E2

Trapper: Count off!
Radar: [to Hawkeye ]Are you one?
Hawkeye: Yes, are you one too?

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House Arrest - S3-E18

Frank: [after Hawkeye hits him] Captain Pierce, I accuse you of striking a superior officer. A court-martial offense under the Articles of War. And I have two witnesses!
Trapper: [to Hawkeye] I didn't see anything, did you?
Hawkeye: My back was turned. [Drops towel in Frank's face.] BA-DUM-BUMP!
Trapper: Case dismissed.

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Sticky Wicket - S1-E21

Hawkeye [to Frank]: You're inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting, and dumb!
Radar: Wow!
Hawkeye: And those are your good points.

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