Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
John: You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was eight years old. I wish I had just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
Ted: Say that one more time.
John: TEDDY RUX-FUCKIN-PIN.
Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
Norah Jones: You did well for a guy with no dick.
Ted: Yeah, you have *no* idea how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that.
Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
Ted: I look like Snuggles' accountant.
Tom Skerritt: My daughter better still be alive you sick son of a bitch.
Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.
Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted: Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!