Ted

Ted (2012)

12 quotes

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Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.

Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.

Ted: Wow, look at you! Half Muslim and half American and you sold 37 million records!
Norah Jones: Actually, I'm half Indian half American, but thanks.
Ted: Thanks for 9/11!

John: You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was eight years old. I wish I had just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
Ted: Say that one more time.
John: TEDDY RUX-FUCKIN-PIN.

Norah Jones: You did well for a guy with no dick.
Ted: Yeah, you have *no* idea how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that.

Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.

Ted: I look like Snuggles' accountant.

John: What is this?
Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
John: It doesn't sound very mellow.
Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent.". Go on, spark it up!

Frank: You think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: Shit.

Tom Skerritt: My daughter better still be alive you sick son of a bitch.

Ted: I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.
Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted: Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!

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