Guru Pitka: If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
Darren Roanoke: How can you be the Love Guru if you've never been in a relationship?
Guru Pitka: Well, there is someone I like. But until I learn to love myself, I can only go out with three girls named Ann.
Darren Roanoke: Three girls named Ann?
Guru Pitka: Yeah. Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.
Guru Pitka: Intimacy is like putting your wiener on a table and having someone say "That looks like a penis... only smaller."
Guru Pitka: Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy. Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.
Guru Pitka: Tonawanda street? I know this street.
Darren Roanoke: You do?
Guru Pitka: Yes. At what number did you live?
Darren Roanoke: Fifty-three.
Guru Pitka: Did you know a Dickie Withers at 85?
Darren Roanoke: No?
Guru Pitka: Well, it does. A dickie does wither at 85. I own you! Yeah! You are laughing! You see, you are filled with joy of a child.