Rod Kimble: Who wants to see me do a big-ass stunt?
Newswoman: The dog walked itself home, ate a pizza and took a nap.
Kevin Powell: It's bouncing around the Web like a beachball at a Nickelback concert.
Rico: I'm kinda grumpy today, dude. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was having those dreams again. Ya know, how it's just me in a castle and I gotta fight, like, a thousand wizards and the only way to beat them is to punch them as hard as I can in their faces. Then, when I'm done, all their little wizard wives came out and wanted me to have sex with them - which is kinda weird.
Rico: I'm freakin pumped! I've been drinking green tea all goddamn day.
Denise: I'm sorry, Rod. What were you going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Um, I was gonna ask you who you think would win in a fight between... a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.
Denise: Is that what you were really going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Of course.
Denise: Well, I think the grilled cheese sandwich - in a fair fight. But if it was prison rules, I'd put my money on the taco.
Rod Kimble: Wow, that's pretty racist but correct. I'll see you later.
Dave: He's going in circles.
Rod Kimble: I'd rather die than live in a world where I can't kick your ass.
Rod Kimble: You're wrong, Frank. I'm not a kid, I'm a man. I am gonna get you better, and then I'm gonna beat you to death.
Dave: Oh, man, he hit his ass with a parking cone! Nice.
