Frank: I'm gonna knock the ridiculous mustache right off your face!
Rod: All great men have mustaches, Frank!
Frank: Yeah, but real men actually grow them!
Rod: You know I have a hormone disorder!
Frank: BOO!
Rod Kimble: Have fun being married to satan.
Frank Powell: Never sneak up on a man who's been in a chemical fire.
Rod Kimble: You have only to believe if you wish to achieve. That rhymed. Unintentional.
Rod Kimble: Life is pain - we've got to scrape the joy from it every chance we get.
Denise: Tai Chi teaches that if you focus your body and mind you'll be able to perform at the peak of your abilities.
Rod Kimble: Yes, sensei.
Denise: You don't have to call me sensei, Rod.
Rod Kimble: Got it. Sensei, I have a question: Is there a Tai Chi move that would make a grown man crap his pants and not know why?
Denise: I'm not gonna lie to you, Rod. That move does exist. But you're not ready for it yet.
Kevin Powell: It's bouncing around the Web like a beachball at a Nickelback concert.
Rico: I'm kinda grumpy today, dude. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was having those dreams again. Ya know, how it's just me in a castle and I gotta fight, like, a thousand wizards and the only way to beat them is to punch them as hard as I can in their faces. Then, when I'm done, all their little wizard wives came out and wanted me to have sex with them - which is kinda weird.
Rico: I'm freakin pumped! I've been drinking green tea all goddamn day.
Denise: I'm sorry, Rod. What were you going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Um, I was gonna ask you who you think would win in a fight between... a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.
Denise: Is that what you were really going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Of course.
Denise: Well, I think the grilled cheese sandwich - in a fair fight. But if it was prison rules, I'd put my money on the taco.
Rod Kimble: Wow, that's pretty racist but correct. I'll see you later.
Dave: He's going in circles.
Rod Kimble: I'd rather die than live in a world where I can't kick your ass.
Rod Kimble: You're wrong, Frank. I'm not a kid, I'm a man. I am gonna get you better, and then I'm gonna beat you to death.
Dave: Oh, whoa, wait, what? Why is Rod kissing his sister?
Kevin Powell: Oh, Denise isn't his sister.
Dave: She's not?
Kevin Powell: No.
Dave: Oh. That shatters my entire universe.
Barry Pasternak: Now I don't want to say that kiss was hot, but if the boner police are here, I want a lawyer.
Barry Pasternak: I've got a tattoo here that fully illustrates my point. It's of this rebellious young man, and he's urinating on an FM radio. And then this other stream of urine is going onto that television set. Implausible, I know, but I like to think that he had sex the night before, and a little bit of residue is blocking his urethra, allowing the urine to flow in two separate directions.
Rod Kimble: What's going on? Is this some sort of interactive theatre art piece?
Rod Kimble: Cool beans?
Kevin Powell: Cool beans.
Rod Kimble: We don't talk much, do we? Kathy, was it? My name's Rod. I do awesome stunts all the time with my friends. You probably didn't know that. And you probably have lots of cool stuff about you that I don't know. Point is, if you don't sit down with someone and really talk and get to know them you'll never find those things out. So what do you say? Wanna make this thing official?
