Ramona: He tried to pork me.
Earl Keese: Pork you? What?
Ramona: You know you did.
Earl Keese: I swear, I never touched her.
Ramona: Well, I wasn't born with your hand in my bush.
Earl Keese: Enid... help me.
Pa Greavy: Well, I hear you got a whore in there.
Earl Keese: Who told you that?
Pa Greavy: That's what I heard.
Earl Keese: Well, you heard wrong.
Pa Greavy: You ain't got a whore in there?
Earl Keese: No.
Pa Greavy: Wouldn't know where I could find one?
Earl Keese: Of course not.
Pa Greavy: One shows up, let me know?
Vic: In light of Earl's feelings, I think it would be best if we left.
Enid Keese: Oh, no, no. Sit down, sit down. Let's finish this magnificent meal. Don't worry about Earl. He'll get over his feelings.
Vic: He spurned my sauce.
Enid Keese: No, he loves your sauce. He's just jealous, he can't cook.
Vic: You touched my brick?
Enid Keese: Vic, what did you say is in a pile driver?
Vic: Italian Galliano for passion, Irish Mist for love and Russian vodka for endurance.
Earl Keese: This is crazy... but there's something so right about it.
Vic: We're waiting, or do I have to pound it out of you?
Earl Keese: Don't ever speak to me like that in my own house.
Vic: Why would I?
Earl Keese: You just did.
Vic: I didn't mean anything - it's just something a guy says.
Earl Keese: I never say it.
Vic: I don't blame you.
Ramona: You should have slipped it through the mail slot while you had the chance, Earl.
Ramona: God, does it always shrivel up like that when you shower?
Earl Keese: I thought I'd be able to defend myself.
Enid Keese: Not so loud, Earl.
Earl Keese: What's the matter? Afraid we're gonna disturb the neighbors? These ARE the goddamn neighbors.
Vic: Calm yourself, Earl. I'm not gonna take you to court. That'd make for bad blood. We don't want any bad blood, especially since we'll be living next door to you for a long, long time.
Vic: Believe me, I know women - upside down and backwards, which is not a bad way to know 'em, huh?
Vic: We haven't any children, unless Ramona just pumped one out and didn't tell me about it.
Vic: Stay here on the outer limits of the dead end zone? Nothing personal, but life at the end of the road just ain't for Captain Vic and Empress Ramona. Sorry folks, but you can color us gone.
Ramona: I was real friendly with a boy named Earl once - well, twice really.
Vic: Ramona and I haven't eaten all day. We could eat a baby's butt through a park bench.
Perry Greavy: How would you like your nuts nailed to your forehead, huh?
Ramona: Now, I'm just going to go under the covers and take a little inventory. Promise you won't go away.
Earl Keese: You're really wonderful.
Ramona: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Is it so hard having your fantasies come to life?
