George Kimball: When a man's wife thinks he's having an affair, how can he convince her he's not?
Arnold Nash: He can't.
George Kimball: But I'm not having one.
Arnold Nash: Doesn't make any difference.
George Kimball: Isn't a man innocent until proven guilty?
Arnold Nash: Look, you're dealing with your wife. You can forget the Constitution.
George Kimball: You mean there's nothing I can do?
Arnold Nash: There is one thing.
George Kimball: What?
Arnold Nash: Confess, and ask her to forgive you.
George Kimball: Forgive me? For what?
Arnold Nash: For having an affair.
George Kimball: When I'm not having one?
Arnold Nash: That's right.
George Kimball: Look, I've heard of guys lying out of it, but I'd be the first guy to lie into it.
Judy: When he tells me he's dying and he doesn't DIE... wouldn't he know that I'd get suspicious?
Dr. Morrissey: Is it a sharp pain, is it a dull pain, or does it grip like a vice.
George Kimball: Yes, yes.
Dr. Morrissey: Nonono, pick one.
George Kimball: I guess it's a sharp pain, hurts like the dickens when I press it.
Dr. Morrissey: Then don't press it.
George Kimball: What kind of pills are they?
Dr. Morrissey: You wouldn't know if I told you. Just take them. Take the pills.
Judy: George, remember our first anniversary?
George Kimball: Remember. I made notes.
Judy: George, your hypochondria's showing.