Dedee Truitt: What'd you think, I'd be the dead one? I'm the fucking narrator, guys! Keep up.
Dedee: I'd like a Long Island iced tea, please.
Bill Truitt: Is that a good idea, for the baby?
Dedee: Oh, please. This baby owes its life to Long Island iced teas, if you know what I mean.
Dedee: My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter's best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, "Great! Not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend's a loser bitch!"
Lucia: Why did he grow that beard? And his posture! He looks like Early Man.
Lucia: Oh, good, it's my delivery from 1-800-PITY.
Matt Mateo: I'm bisexual.
Lucia: Puh-lease! I went to a bar mitzvah once. That doesn't make me Jewish.
Dedee: If there have to be gay people, at least it's nice there's enough of them to go around.
Dedee: If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you're in over your heads. I don't have a heart of gold and I don't grow one later, OK? But relax. There's other people a lot nicer coming up - we call them "losers."
Dedee Truitt: Lucia and Carl had their baby. You can imagine the pick of that litter. It was the kind of kid that if you played with it too much after a feeding, you threw up.
Lucia: You're probably a blessing in disguise. Fucking good disguise.