Maude: Harold, everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You just can't let the world judge you too much.
Mrs. Chasen: She provides the whole southwest with chicken feed.
Maude: Consistency is not really a human trait.
Priest: I would be remiss in my duty, if I did not tell you, that the idea of... intercourse - your firm, young... body... comingling with... withered flesh... sagging breasts... flabby b-b-buttocks... makes me want... to vomit.
Harold: Do you... enjoy... knives?
Maude: Grab the shovel, Harold.
Harold: I haven't lived. I've died a few times.
Maude: You know, at one time, I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries. But I decided that was an idea way before its time. Zoos are full, prisons are overflowing... oh my, how the world still dearly loves a cage..