Stuber (2019)

Vic: You saved my ass, kid. You've got brass balls.
Stu: Don't talk about my balls.
Vic: It's me and you.
Stu: Leave my balls out of it.
Vic: We're a team, buddy. (01:13:18)

Stu: See? Didn't that feel good? You asked for help and the sky didn't fall. [Thunder crackles and it starts to rain.] That's - that's technically not the sky. That's the sky's tears. It's tears of joy 'cause the sky is proud of you.
Vic: Please, shut up. (01:06:38)

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Vic: Oh this is your other horrible job? I came here once to buy some fishing gear. Clerk was a real dick... I wanted to shoot him in the leg, but I had self-control.
Stu: Yeah that was probably my boss. He's... the second worst guy I've ever met.
Vic: Who's the first?
Stu: I'll give you a hint. It's you. (00:56:20)

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Stu: You know, I would have said you should smile more, but now that I see this picture... good call on quitting smiling. Your face looks really bad when you smile. It also looks really bad when you don't smile... You have a bad face. (00:55:42)

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Vic: Hey, this is serious. I'm close to Tedjo.
Nicole: Yeah. You're always close to something except for the people who actually need you. (00:54:43)

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Stu: And please don't take this the wrong way... but go fuck yourself. (00:42:45)

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Stu: Everyone cries. It's good for you.
Vic: I don't cry. Pico doesn't cry.
Stu: You cried when you were a baby.
Vic: Nope. Never.
Stu: You don't remember that.
Vic: I remember my birth. (00:39:26)

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Amber: Water only four hours before stage! Ain't that right, fellas?
Dancers: Yeah. Yes, ma'am.
Man: Them the rules.
Stu: Not even, like, a granola bar? Is that healthy?
Amber: Who the fuck are you?
Stu: Oh no, actually I just think carbs are unfairly demonized. No. If that's how he's looking I wouldn't change what he's cookin'.
Dancer: It's fine.
Amber: Oh, it's fine? So you think people come in here to see a fat piece of shit floppin' his tits around?
Dancer: I don't have tits.
Amber: Nobody wants to see a big dick hanging of a bag of garbage.
Stu: Shouldn't have weighed in. I'm sorry. Not a pun.
Amber: Oh, no, no. Please continue to mansplain to me what I'm supposed to be doing. 'Cause, you know, as a woman I have no fucking idea!
Stu: You do your thing... I'll go fuck myself.
Amber: Thank you so much for giving me permission! (00:26:11)

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Becca: I really need you.
Stu: I'm just gonna drop off Douche Lundgren, and I'll be right over. Okay? (00:22:20)

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Richie: Becca, I like your shoes. They don't really go with your outfit, but, uh, you can pull it off.
Becca: Oh, Richie, thank you. I like your facial hair. Although, am I your type? 'Cause I'm over 12.
(00:11:15)

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Stu: I'm gonna need therapy for the rest of my life. And I don't have insurance. So I'm gonna have to get cheap student therapists who quote white guys with Indian names and tell me that I should meditate. I...DO...MEDITATE! (00:50:00)

Sammo

Stu: You fucked with the wrong Uber driver! (01:01:40)

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Thug: I called in a few colleagues.
Vic: How cute. The rest of Cobra Kai. (00:44:15)

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Amo Cortez: Is this an Uber? Man, fuck this! I'm out of here.
Stu: Hey! This ain't no Uber. I'm undercover. And I'm the baaaaad cop, you little girl. (00:37:26)

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Stu: You know, generally people who don't want conversation hop in the back. If you sit shotgun, it's sort of code that you're D-T-T... Down-To-Talk.
Vic: I'm more, D-T-shut-the-fuck-up. (00:18:30)

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Vic: It's a baby gun. It allows you to fire it while crying.

Nicole: So, how do you know my dad?
Stu: He kidnapped me.
Nicole: Ha.
Stu: We killed some people.
Nicole: Huh. (00:52:34)

Stu: If I do get a medal, I'm gonna donate it to an orphanage. Just to inspire those little shits. (01:24:27)

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