Jack Abramoff: Washington is like Hollywood, but with uglier faces.
Lou Ford: I got a foot on both sides of the fence. They were put there early, and they stayed put. I can't move. I can't jump. All I can do is wait until I split, right down the middle.
Mickey Ward: I'm the one who's fighting. Not you, not you, and not you.
Phil Woodward: I've got a kid in college and another one going in the fall. I won't go back to the factory floor. I'll take an AK-47 to this place first.
Howard Marks: A dealer is really just someone who buys more dope than he can smoke. And I have to say, I'm ashamed, I tried to smoke it all. There was just too fuckin' much of it.
Bea: You can give up, let yourself go... or grit your teeth and hang on like stupid people do.
Arjan van Diemen: During the war, me and my men would cut off the trigger fingers of the bravest British officers we captured - only the bravest, mind, the ones most worthy of respect. Do you understand that? That's what I did to people I respected.
Kereama: Doesn't leave much hope for me then, does it?
Arjan van Diemen: Hope kills fools like you every day.
Marcus: I guess we could just talk about the location of the flesh-eating zombie when you guys are done boning.
Claire Foster: Honey, If I'm gonna get whacked off, I...
[Phil laughs.]
Claire Foster: What are you smiling about?
Phil Foster: No, no, we might get bumped off. We're not going to get whacked off.
Claire Foster: I think we are!
Paul Hodges: Why did you smack me?
Jimmy Monroe: I was in the moment, and the moment said smack ya.
Spencer Aimes: We've been married for three years and we've never been more than five minutes away from your parents. They're always coming over and your dad's all... all... Well, uh, this is how the Kornfeldt's load the dishwasher. And, mow the lawn clockwise 'cause that's the Kornfeldt way. Take this piece of coal, stick it up your kiester, squeeze it real tight like we do, and you'll and make a Kornfeldt diamond.
Nick Halsey: You need to put up some curtains.
Samantha: Why? So I don't have some drunk staring at me all day?
Nick Halsey: No so you don't have to look at your future.
Dr. Trousdale: Says the man who accused the space agency... of covering up finding aliens on the moon.
Jacob Glaser: I never said, they found aliens on the moon. It was a robot head.
Megan Crowley: It's not pink.
Lucien Ginsburg: When I go out, it's to meet up with women. How else do think I was able to draw cunt hair?
Glen McCreavy: Why does the asshole always get the girl?
Bothos: Quintus, what's she doing?
Brick: She's a Pict and a woman - two good reasons not to trust her.