Dennis: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie: I got really, really nervous - I just started eating cheese.
Mac: Does that calm you down?
Charlie: All right, fine. I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit so that I would smell of dog shit. Happy?
Dennis: Less happy!
Dee: Why would it make me happy?!
Charlie: I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me so that there would be no questions.
Dennis: Well, now I have more questions!
Dee: Of course you do.
Fat Mac: You want some insulin?
Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.
Dennis Reynolds: Charlie can't read.
Frank Reynolds: He'll adapt.
Dennis Reynolds: He'll adapt to reading?
Charlie Kelly: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.
Charlie Kelly: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Charlie Kelly: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds: Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Now, how long would it take.
Dennis Reynolds: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Don't swim to Europe.
Frank Reynolds: Do not.
Frank Reynolds: I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the - all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.
Frank Reynolds: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it.
Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie Kelly: I'm like a janitor at - um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.
Frank Reynolds: I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing.
Charlie Kelly: So what, you want a maid?
Frank Reynolds: That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.
The Gang Makes Paddy's Great Again - S13-E1
Cindy: Is that a sex doll?
Mac: Yeah.
Dee: Is that Dennis?
Mac: Well, yeah, of course.
Frank: Is that part of the plan?
Cindy: No! Why did you get a sex doll of your old roommate?
Mac: Because you told me to get one.
Cindy: I definitely did not.
Mac: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was. I was super sad about my old roommate leaving, and. And you said I needed something Dennis-shaped to fill my hole.
Cindy: No, Mac, I said that you obviously had a Dennis-shaped hole in your life that you needed to fill.
Mac: How is that not the same thing?
Dennis Reynolds: What are we going to do? We can't have Pete wandering the streets. I don't want him near me. We gotta get him sent somewhere. Ohh, what about that nut, uh, nuthouse in Westchester?
Dee Reynolds: Ah, it says that's one's been shut down too.
Dennis: Oh, come on! I pay so much money in taxes already. Where's that going?
Dee: Well, they used that money to open up the Eagles' new practice facility.
Dennis: That makes sense. That's kind of a no-brainer. I mean, you can't have our guys out there twisting ankles.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God, Dennis, listen to this. Reed Medical Institution was shut down because of statewide cutbacks. Oh, so they just cut all the loonies loose?
Dennis Reynolds: What? How could they do that? That's, that's insane!
Dee: I guess it was either that or they raise our taxes.
Dennis: What!?! Raise my taxes!?! Come on! How much do these vultures need? I already pay a ton in taxes.
Dee: Well, then I guess they're gonna have to shut down more of these places.
Dennis: What!?! Shut down more of these...we gotta have someplace to send our lunatics!
Dee: Well, then, we're going to have to pay more in taxes.
Dennis: What!?! I'm not paying more in taxes, Dee!
Dee Reynolds: It's my turn. It's my time, it's Dee's time. I even have my own system. The DEE System. Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.
Dennis Reynolds: Increase is spelled with an "i."
Dee: OK, well, then uhhh... Infuriate them when they find out...
Dennis: Another "i."
Charlie's Mom Has Cancer - S8-E6
Dee Reynolds: Tell you what. Property taxes...paying for what you already own? Now, that's a scam.
Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire - S3-E8
Frank Reynolds: I think what we gotta do is find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.
Charlie Kelly: No one cares about those kinda things, Frank.
Charlie Kelly: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.
