Charlie Kelly: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.
Charlie Kelly: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds: Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Now, how long would it take.
Dennis Reynolds: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Don't swim to Europe.
Frank Reynolds: Do not.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.
Charlie Kelly: What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.
Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie Kelly: I'm like a janitor at - um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.
Frank Reynolds: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids!"Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it.
Dee Reynolds: Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeh, yeh. Now, help me dig these crack rocks outta my ass.
Charlie Kelly: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?