Lewis Kiniski: I am sick of hearing about poor Drew. "Oh, my house is too big, I have too many wives! I just clogged up my toilet 'cause I crapped a solid gold brick!"
Drew Carey: I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you have that and the Sex Channel, they put you in some sort of file.
Drew Carey: I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.
Mimi Bobeck: I cracked Mr. Wick's secret password. It's "Mr. Wick."
Drew Carey: He might as well just use the word "password."
Nigel Wick: Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?
Drew Carey: Yeah.
Nigel Wick: Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.
Drew Carey: Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself.
Drew Carey: Oh, you hate your job? Oh my god, well why didn't you say so? You know there's a support group for that. It's called everybody. They meet at the bar.