Quotes from Sean Hayes movies and TV shows

Edward Cole: Three things to remember when you get older: never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.
Thomas: I'll keep that in mind as I approach decrepitude.

Thomas: What are you doing here?
Carter Chambers: Fighting for my life. You?

Edward Cole: I want my own room.
Thomas: You run hospitals, not health spas. Two beds to a room, no exceptions.

Edward Cole: Here's something to remember when you're older Thomas - never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.
Thomas: I'll remember that when I start "decrepitating" sir.

Carter Chambers: Is it Tommy or Thomas?
Thomas: It's Matthew, actually. He thought that was too biblical.

Edward Cole: Have I fired you lately?
Thomas: Not since the Oprah incident.

Larry: Hey, little fella, want a peanut? Dolphins love peanuts, you know. Here you go. Catch.
[Larry tosses peanut to dolphin and it falls into its blow hole.]
Curly: Oh, my God! I think he's snufficatin'!
Larry: Don't worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.

Yours, Mine or Ours - S1-E16

Jack: So what's cookin', average lookin'?

Jack: For your information, most people who meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.
Jack: Grace, when you first met me, did you know I was gay?
Grace: My dog knew.

Will: Got a hot date?
Jack: No, but the guy who's dating me does.

Jack: Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you.

Karen: Anyone homo?
Jack: I am. I am.

The Old Man And The Sea - S8-E3

Jack: Would you say that I have a swimmer's body?
Will: Unless it's in a trunk in your closet, I'd say no.

Birds of a Feather Boa - S8-E7

Jack: The ratings for Jack Talk came in. We got a 17 rating and a 10 share.
Grace: Wow!
Will: In this case that means 17 people watched and 10 of them dressed as Cher.

Von Trapped - S8-E10

Grace: You know what I do when I feel scared?
Jack: Fart a little and then deny it?
Grace: No! Well, after that.

The Unsinkable Mommy Adler - S1-E13

Jack: Anyways, I'm collecting data to put on the Internet. The world should know the truth about C-3PO.
Will: Jack, C-3PO is not gay, he's British.