Quotes from Josh Zuckerman movies and TV shows

Ian: Holy buckets... she wants me to give her the D.

Ian: There's no service out here. I can't even tell her I'll be late.
Lance: Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting. You don't want to come off as desperate.
Ian: I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?
Lance: We had shit to do?

Ian: Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a question?
Randy: You just did.
Ian: Can I ask you guys another question?
Andy: You just did again.

Ian: You don't know my brother, okay? He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters.
Ezekiel: What? He's gonna what? With what?
Ian: Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early, and he's gonna walk into the bank, stand in line, change a 10, find my ass, and just... fuck it... with a roll of fucking quarters.

Ian: Is there a cock and ball on the front of me again?
Lance: Like a little tree trunk.