Quotes from Jeff Daniels movies and TV shows

Roger: Do you want another cup of marriage, uh, tea?

Wes Taylor: Alvin, can I ask you a question?
Alvin Strayer: I hate it when people ask if they can ask a question. Just ask it.

Dr. Ross Jennings: Not the Chateau.

Dr. Ross Jennings: In my opinion.
Margaret Hollins: In my opinion, Dr. Metcalf isn't aware of the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground.

Dr. Ross Jennings: Come on, let's go find that spider. And let's find your mom to take care of that spider. Honey, we're in the living room. We need you to kill a spider.

Molly Jennings: I'm sure you knew exactly what you were doing when you took Margaret off those pills.
Dr. Ross Jennings: Like I knew what I was doing when I chose this town... with the country doctor from hell.

Molly Jennings: What's wrong?
Dr. Ross Jennings: Metcalf - he's having a seizure.
Molly Jennings: Thank God you didn't examine him this morning.

Dr. Ross Jennings: What do you wanna bet they're gonna go chase fireflies?
Bunny: Wanna blow up a bullfrog?
Shelley: OK.

Chris Collins: Now, this is the mortuary, right?
Ross Jennings: No, it's a house.
Chris Collins: Well, who in the hell lives there?
Ross Jennings: I do.

Preacher: Let us pray... for this mouse.

Dr. Alex Tremor: Did you forget our appointment?
Eugene: I got a job now. I don't need a shrink anymore.
Marina Lemke: Eugene, honey, I don't think he likes being called that.

Lloyd: What do you mean you don't bet? Wussy! Wussy!
Harry: I never have and I never will.
Lloyd: Yeah, right. I bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day.
Harry: No way.
Lloyd: I give you three to one odds.
Harry: No.
Lloyd: Five to one?
Harry: No.
Lloyd Ten to one?
Harry: You're on.
[Lloyd and Harry both shake hands and smile.]
Lloyd: I'm gonna get you.
Harry: Nuh-uh.
Lloyd: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you.
Harry: Nuh-uh.

Lloyd: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry: Oh.
Lloyd: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry: Where did you get 25 extra bucks?
Lloyd: I sold some stuff, to Billy on 4C.
Harry: The blind kid?
Lloyd: [Laughing.] Yeah, yeah.
Harry: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd: You know, stuff.
Harry: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd: Few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, [coughs.] Petey.
Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd, wh- he- wha- Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd: Harry, I took care of it.

Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

Harry: Where's the booze?
Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.

Lloyd: So what happened, Harry? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
Lloyd: Oh!

Harry: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at 10 in the morning?
Lloyd: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic!

Harry: Skis, huh?
Beth: That's right.
Harry: Great. They yours?
Beth: Uh-huh.
Harry: Both of them?
Beth: Yeah.
Harry: Ah, cool!

Harry Dunne: Whoa, Lloyd. Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That's three hours away. Why can't I check 'em out now?