Quotes from Ed Helms movies and TV shows

Tim Lippe: Do you realise I used to just stare and stare at you when you were teaching us about the rainforests or whatever? And I would think "I wonder what Mrs. V looks like with her clothes off." And then, boom, we run into each other in line at True Value and boom, here we are making love. Like, once a week. It's like it was fate or something. Did you ever used to look at me and think dirty things?
Macy Vanderhei: You were twelve.
Tim Lippe: Right.

Tim Lippe: Do you have root beer?
Dean Ziegler: You wanna nipple on that?

Phil: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually jealous of you. I mean Lauren is an angel.
Doug: Yeah, she really is amazing.
Stu: Ah, you guys are sweet.
Phil: Not big breasts on her, but still a solid rack for an Asian.

Stu: I think I belong here. Open up a little dentist's office. Teeth cleanings with a happy ending.

Stu: Yeah I got two thirds of it - he said something about the garden of meditation.
Alan: No, he said I'm farting because of my medication.

Phil: Stu come on, get up. We got a situation.
Stu: Where are we?
Phil: You're gonna freak out, but it's gonna be ok.

Phil: And her dad hates you.
Stu: He doesn't hate me. He's just never spoken to me. I think it's a cultural thing.

Doug: I get it. I really do. It's just that Alan considers you to be one of his best friends.
Stu: I consider Alan to be insane.

Phil: Oh please. You wouldn't even be with her if it wasn't for us.
Stu: Oh, this will be good.
Phil: Stu, think about it. You ended up ditching Mellisa and two years later you meet your true soulmate. You take Vegas out of that equation and you would have married a cunt. [To the shocked patrons.] Oh it's ok. No, it's ok. It's a bachelor party. Drink up everybody. Oh wait, there's no alcohol - I forgot we're at a fucking IHOP!

Stu: I told myself I would never come back.
Phil: Don't worry, it all ends tonight.

Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?
Alan Garner: Counting cards isn't illegal. It's frowned upon... Like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Maybe since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!

Phil Wenneck: We'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave the baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!

Stu Price: They're really a lot more mature than you think.
Phil Wenneck: Paging Doctor Faggot! Paging Doctor Faggot!
Melissa: You should probably go, Doctor Faggot.

Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.

Stu Price: I lost a tooth! I married a whore!

Stu Price: Oh my God, I can't believe I gave away my grandmother's Holocaust ring to a complete stranger.
Alan Garner: I didn't even know they gave out rings during the Holocaust.

Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?

Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.

Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.

Doug Billings: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her
Stu Price: That's a good thing, she's afraid of semen.