Quotes from Chris Rock movies and TV shows

Jake Hayes: Does it play DVDs?
Seale: No. It's a portable thermonucular (sic) bomb.

Jake Hayes: So you're leaving me and going back to Ken, that's what I asked you.
Julie: The Ken part is just business.
Jake Hayes: Then what's the leaving me part, pleasure?
Julie: Pain.

Jake Hayes: You guys still there?
Gaylord Oaks: Yes, Mr. Hayes, we're still here.
Jake Hayes: And you've got guns, right?
Gaylord Oaks: Yes, Mr. Hayes, we have guns.
Jake Hayes: Okay. Well, make sure you got bullets in them.
Gaylord Oaks: Mmm-hmm, lots of bullets.

Lenka: Mr. Turner, it's so glad to have you back so soon.
Jake Hayes: Thank you, Lepenka, I hope you haven't given up my room.
Lenka: Certainly not, sir.
Jake Hayes: This is beautiful.
Gaylord Oaks: Her name is Lenka. You just called her Lepenka, which means cardboard.

Jake Hayes: In my foster house, we were so poor, we used to lick stamps for dinner.

Jake Hayes: Is this fish?
Nicole: Yeah, of course. You love fish.
Jake Hayes: That's right. I love fish, but that's before I became a vegetarian. Oh, waiter, waiter! I can't eat this. Can you get me something else? How about a steak, medium well, please.

Jake Hayes: I don't speak terrorist.

Jake Hayes: Is this shit dangerous?
Gaylord Oaks: Yes there's some risk.
Jake Hayes: What kind of risk, you talkin' bank credit risk, or bullet-in-ass risk?

Gaylord Oaks: I'm never going to get married, never again.
Jake Hayes: You never gonna get married again? First thing you gotta learn is, you don't take your girlfriend to a wedding.

Jake Hayes: You didn't know chess was a contact sport, did'ja.

Gaylord Oaks: Welcome to Prague.
Jake Hayes: Looks like Newark.

Aaron: Let me get this straight: our dad was "bromantically" involved with a guy that could fit in his pocket, and you're mad because he's white?

Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Rufus: Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.

Bethany: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ?
Rufus: KNOW Him? Shit, ni**a owes me 12 bucks!

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.