MSgt. Otis V. McKinney: We'll talk again. I believe tomorrow morning you'll find you've got a team, want one or not.
Pfc. Franklin Fairchild Bean: I will not.
MSgt. Otis V. McKinney: I will not, sergeant! That's a gig, Lamar.
Cpl. Harold Lamar: Gig for Bean.
MSgt. Otis V. McKinney: And gigs mean trouble.
Quotes from Charlie Sheen movies and TV shows
Jack Hammond: That's the question on the minds of all your viewers? Whether I run out of gas or not? Tell you what, Jer. You let your viewers know that I hope Miss Voss' fear and my desperation are entertainment enough for them. After all, that is what this is all about, isn't it? The story. As it breaks. Live. Coming to you from the bad guy himself. I mean we wouldn't want your viewers to change the fucking channel, now, would we?
Dex Dogtective: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Spam.
Topper Harley: These men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them.
Topper Harley: Ramada, I want to be with you. I want to hold you. I want to meet your parents and pet your dog...
Ramada: My parents are dead, Topper. My dog ate them.
Topper Harley: Colonel, who are they?
Col. Walters: She's CIA. The other man's an extra.
Topper Harley: You're the only one that knows how to get to the copter pad. If I'm not there in 15 minutes, you know what to do.
Colonel Walters: Yeah, we get the hell out of here.
Topper Harley: No. Wait another 15 minutes.
[Phone Ringing].
Topper Harley: [Answering phone] Butcher of Baghdad, hello.
Woman on Phone: [Indistinct chatter].
Topper: Well, hello.
Saddam: Who is it? Who is it?
Topper: It's your wife, Hillary Rodham Hussein.
Col. Walters: I know you were hurt when that woman left, but you're just using that to hide from who you really are.
Topper Harley: That was a long time ago. I don't want it.
Col. Walters: Topper, let me tell you a little story. It seems there were three bears. And one morning when their porridge was too hot they went for a walk. And a little blonde girl came skipping through the woods. And she ate their porridge, and she sat in their chairs, and she slept in their beds. And when those bears returned and discovered that mess, you know what happened then Topper?
Topper Harley: No.
Col. Walters: That little blonde girl got scared, ran away.
Topper Harley: So what you're saying is that little blonde girl is me?
[Walters nods].
Topper Harley: If this is about me coloring my hair...
Col. Walters: Topper, they didn't make you this fighting machine. They just cooked up the porridge and went for a walk. And you'll never stop running until you face your three bears: Ramada.
Topper Harley: My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... It's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... Eat apple sauce through a straw... Pork farm animals.
Topper Harley: Nice place.
Ramada Thompson: It's okay. The only problem is I have a nosy landlady. Well, I guess this is goodnight.
Topper Harley: I don't want to go back.
Ramada Thompson: You don't have to. I don't want to be alone. And by the way... I can go all night, like a lumberjack!
Topper Harley: What about your landlady?
Ramada Thompson: You can do her too.
Topper Harley: Those are some long legs...
Ramada Thompson: I just had them lengthened. Now they go all the way up.
Topper Harley: Can you save him?
Doctor: Can't be sure. I'm not a very good doctor.
James Russell: I want some answers.
Franklin Hatchett: Hey man, me and Guy just down here, checkin' out some fly rides, and mackin' some hos and chillin'.
James Russell: Imagine that. It's like a G-Dog on a fly tip. Flossin' wit da posse. Cuttin' in da crib. what THE fuck does that mean?
Franklin Hatchett: Man, I don't wanna have to beat yo ass, but I will beat yo ass.
Franklin Hatchett: Hey, man... Me and Guy just down here checkin' out some fly rides, mackin' some hoes, and chillin'.
James Russell: Imagine that... It's like a G-Dogg on a fly tip flossin' with the posse, cuttin' in the crib... what THE fuck does that mean?
James Russell: I need this for sweeps week.
Franklin Hatchett: Sweeps week? Man fuck sweeps week, my life's on the line and you're talking about a damn broom.
Barclay: Who gives a rat's ass about some two bit hustler?
James Russell: The people getting ripped off by this two bit hustler give a rat's ass.
James Russell: If you try anything fucked up or funny, I swear to God I will kill you myself.
Franklin Hatchett: Just like you did back on the dock, huh? (Mocking laugh) I will beat your ass.
James Russell: You ain't beatin' shit, homes.
James Russell: Please do something about that hair of yours.
Franklin Hatchett: My 'do is tight.
James Russell: Well every cop in the city is looking for that tight 'do.
James Russell: Good evening. James Russell, Channel 12 news, I'm doing a report on local night clubs in the area, I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Doorman: Aw, you're the invstigative reporter.
James Russell: Why yes I am.
Doorman: Get the fuck out of here.