Dan: When I suck my dick, I lie on my back, I throw my legs over my head.
Box: You suck your own dick?
Dan: Yeah.
Box: You cut your own hair and you suck your own dick. You're like a Swiss army knife.
Quotes from Charlie Day movies and TV shows
Motherfucker Jones: I think I can help you boys.
Kurt Buckman: Are you a businessman?
Motherfucker Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
Dale Arbus: Your first name is 'Motherfucker?
Motherfucker Jones: My real name is Dean.
Nick Hendricks: Dean Jones, that's the same name of the actor in Herbie and the Love Bug.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, he probably doesn't even know who that is.
Motherfucker Jones: I know who he is, bitch. I can't walk around this fucking neighborhood with that Disney-ass name.
Charlie Kelly: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds: Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Now, how long would it take.
Dennis Reynolds: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Don't swim to Europe.
Frank Reynolds: Do not.
Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie Kelly: I'm like a janitor at - um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.
Charlie Kelly: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Charlie Kelly: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.
Charlie: All right, fine. I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit so that I would smell of dog shit. Happy?
Dennis: Less happy!
Dee: Why would it make me happy?!
Charlie: I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me so that there would be no questions.
Dennis: Well, now I have more questions!
Dee: Of course you do.
Dennis: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie: I got really, really nervous - I just started eating cheese.
Mac: Does that calm you down?
Charlie Kelly: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.
Charlie Kelly: Good morning, juarez family.
Charlie Kelly: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.
Charlie Kelly: What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.
Charlie Kelly: When was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
Dennis Reynolds: Uhh. What's-what's that?
Charlie Kelly: Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?
Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire - S3-E8
Frank Reynolds: I think what we gotta do is find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.
Charlie Kelly: No one cares about those kinda things, Frank.
Charlie Kelly: So what, you want a maid?
Frank Reynolds: That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.
Dr. Newton Geiszler: Fortune favors the brave, dude.
Dr. Newton Geiszler: Oh, my God! This isn't a refuge. This is a buffet line!
Newton Geizler: Move, you fascist!