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There's Something About Paulie - S2-E16

Peter: Oh uh, hi Bonny... This is my friend, Big Fat Pauly. And uh, this is his big fat ass. (00:11:05)

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There's Something About Paulie - S2-E16

Lois: Peter please. I saw an ad for a used car that would be perfect.
Peter: Oh no, Lois. No a guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes. (00:01:45)

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Dammit Janet - S2-E15

Lois: My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket, and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman?! Got a baboon's ass on her face. (00:15:20)

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Let's Go to the Hop - S2-E14

Peter: Gregg Allman, how did you handle it, when life got you down?
Gregg Allman: Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one of them. (00:16:15)

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Let's Go to the Hop - S2-E14

Stewie: You know, mother. This could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without nilla wafers... it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions! (00:14:00)

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Road to Rhode Island - S2-E13

Chris: OK Meg, I'm thinking of another word. And this time it's definitely not 'kitty'. Can you guess what it is?
Meg: Is it kitty?
Chris: Aaah! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! (00:21:40)

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Road to Rhode Island - S2-E13

Farmer: I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired!
Pilot: But Pa, you can't fire me!
Farmer: You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you. (00:12:05)

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Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater - S2-E1

Stewie: I say, mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Lois: Honey, I'll be right there.
Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston! (00:00:31)

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Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Peter: Sometimes we all need a second chance. Sometimes, we all need to forgive!
Chris: I stole ten dollars from Meg's room.
Meg: I stole ten dollars from mom's purse.
Lois: I've been making counterfeit ten dollar bills for years. (00:20:09)

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Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Brian: I can never go back to the way things were! Not after the way I was treated. Not after the things I've seen...
Chris: What did you see? W-Was it breasts!? (00:11:50)

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Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!
Chris: Yeah, well... You're hogging up all the ugly! (00:03:12)

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The Son Also Draws - S1-E6

Tree: Hot enough for ya?
Peter: Wha-what?
Tree: I say, hot enough for ya?
Peter: Uh, yeah, I guess...Oh my God I'm... I'm communicating with nature! Uh uh, hey um... tree! If one of you falls and there's no-one around. D-do you make a noise?
Tree: Are you kidding? Scott fell last week, he hasn't shut up about it since!
Scott: Sure! Stand there and bitch! But would any of you take the time to help me!?
Tree #3: Ooh ooh, I'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott. (00:17:38)

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The Son Also Draws - S1-E6

[Peter is eating cereal].
Peter: Oh my God, Brian... There's a message in my Alpha Bits... It says "Ooooooo".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. (00:16:02)

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The Son Also Draws - S1-E6

Chris: Uh, dad. What would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say 'come again!?'. Then I'd laugh cause I said 'cum'. But thank God that's not the case, eh? You're a Scout! And you know what that means? That means I love ya!
[Chris groans in frustrated annoyance.] (00:03:01)

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Mind over Murder - S1-E4

Peter: Isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff, and I have a criminal record. (00:10:00)

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Chitty Chitty Death Bang - S1-E3

Peter: I can not wait to taste this cake! The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic.
Lois: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Peter: Well, there were only two left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples. (00:20:20)

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Chitty Chitty Death Bang - S1-E3

Jennifer: Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart.
Lois: Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice. (00:11:36)

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Chitty Chitty Death Bang - S1-E3

Brian: Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap. (00:09:33)

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Chitty Chitty Death Bang - S1-E3

Peter: Chris, this is a big day for you. The day you become the man of the house. Because when we get home, you're mother is going to kill me. (00:07:35)

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I Never Met the Dead Man - S1-E2

Lois: And your family gives you love. You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter: Well what could you and me do together?
Lois: [Giggles]
Peter: *gasp* Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oooh, oh I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. (00:14:49)

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