Mikey: Wait a minute. These things come in different sizes? What are these? Jumbos?
Mikey: I don't get it. I just don't get it. And, I don't like it. Where'd I go wrong?
Mollie: Grandpa, what's going on?
Grandpa: Look, I'm a hostage.
Burly Orderly: He's not a hostage. He's a mean old bastard! You see what he did to my arm? And he gave the nurse a black eye.
Mollie: So you're the one who was kicking me.
Mikey: Well, you're the one who ate all that spicy food.
Mollie: My doctor says my breathing's fine.
Albert: You have to do what's best for the baby. When Beth was pregnant.
Mollie: Oh I am so sick of hearing about Beth! Beth Beth Beth Beth! I'm having a hard time figuring out how you could be in love with her and then in love with someone like me. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to make out a will, when Beth had the girls she got a reading of their past lives.
Secretary: Is he yours?
James: Yeah, but they don't know who the real mother is yet.
Mollie: Remember how Albert's shrink said that Beth would never get better as long as he kept seeing me?
Rona: Yeah, a million times.
Mollie: Well, he's decided to leave her.
Rona: Albert's leaving his wife?
Mollie: No, he's leaving his shrink. And that's really a good thing, because she was really starting to become an obstacle with us.
Mollie: Ma, what would you have done if Daddy was married when you first met him?
Rosie: I wouldn't have fallen in love.
Mollie: Well, you can't control who you fall in love with.
Rosie: Why not?
Mollie: You just can't.
Rosie: Listen. Listen, take your father here. What's his favorite food?
Rosie: What did Dr. Slocum tell him?
Mollie: Cut back on cholesterol.
Rosie: So, now he doesn't eat cheesecake. It's the same exact thing.
Mikey: Help! Help! Somebody burp me before I blow up.
James: She called me a big kid. Yeah. She's probably right, too. I mean, you're one year old and probably my best friend in the world.
Mollie: I'm a very understanding person, Albert. I understand that you are going through a selfish phase. And, I'm sure that you will understand that I am going through a destructive phase.
Mollie: Rona, if there wasn't such a thing as love, what kind of guy would you get to be your kid's father?
Rona: Someone with a small mouth and good hair. Broad shoulders.
Mollie: No, no, I'm talking about, what kind of a man would you want to stick around and help raise your child?
Rona: There's a man who'd do that?
James: Hey, Gerber Face, high five.
James: I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn't drive the kids crazy.
Mollie: I'm so lucky. I can't believe I managed to find a nice, handsome family man.
Rona: Yeah, except it's someone else's family.