Rory: Ever since nursery school, every single waking moment of every single day has been scheduled. So what do I want to do? Nothing.
Bartleby Gaines: Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like it.
Glen: Holy Balls.
Girl: Can you sign a copy of your book for me? I got it on eBay.
Uncle Ben: They sell my shit on eBay?
Guy: You wrote a book?
Uncle Ben: Yeah. That was back when I was drinking.
Glen: Keep your voices down, people are playing.
Uncle Ben: You know a lot of people say that college is a time when young men and women expand the way that they look at their world when they open their mind to new ideas and experiences and when they begin that long journey form the innocence of Youth, to the responsibilities of Adulthood... now isn't that a load of horse shit! ahahahaha.
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
Sherman Schrader: Scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.
Hands: Schrader, you were scared to try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
Sherman Schrader: I told you that in confidence Hands.
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, you were afraid when you're tooth fell out because you were terrified of the Tooth Fairy.
Sherman Schrader: That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.
Sherman Schrader: Ask me about my wiener.
Diane Gaines: I knew we should've started preparing for college in junior high, like your sister.
Jack Gaines: Now she's got a shot.
Lizzie Gaines: I've got a shot.
Diane Gaines: She's got a shot.
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, cool guys. Let's start this fake college, and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.
Bartleby Gaines: Hey Rory, hows it goin? What's wrong?
Rory: I... I... I - I didn't get into Ya - I didn't get into... I-I-I I didn't get into Yal - I didn't get into Yale.
Bartleby Gaines: What? Why not?
Rory: Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale! No, too many mediocre rich kids with well-connected parents.
Bartleby Gaines: Does the run-of-the-mill college experience include stripping you of your dignity? Totally humiliating you, making you wear a... a... frigging hot dog suit?
Sherman Schrader: It's a tradition.
Bartleby Gaines: A tradition?
Sherman Schrader: Yes.
Bartleby Gaines: I've got a tradition for you. Schrader, you've been my best friend since we were 5 years old. That's the only tradition I know.
Kiki: Glen, I love your wads.
Bartleby Gaines: I could go to jail.
Uncle Ben: Don't worry, you're young. Your butt can take it.
Freaky Student: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind.
Sherman Schrader: This place is awesome cause now I can finally get Hepatitis.
Uncle Ben: Health insurance my ass! They don't pay for shit. You get sick on a Friday, they only pay from Monday through Thursday. You go to doctor A, they only pay for doctor B. You break your penis, they only fix vaginas.