Dusty: Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was already taken.
Rhonda Johnson: Oh, it's big. It's movin' like monkeys.
Lefty: The blind man's seeing eye dog pissed on the blind man's shoe. The blind man said "Here Rover, here's a piece of beef for you." His wife said "Don't reward him, you can't just let that pass." The blind man said "I gotta find his mouth so I can kick him in the ass."
Al, Stage Manager: About that obscene song you sang last week.
Dusty: "I'll give you my moonshine if you show me your jugs?"
Lola Johnson: This isn't really going to be your last show, is it?
Garrison Keillor: Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.
Rhonda Johnson: Thank you, Plato.
Guy Noir: The show had been on the air since Jesus was in the 3rd grade.
Dangerous Woman: The death of an old man is not a tragedy. Forgive him his shortcomings, and thank him for all his love and care.
Guy Noir: She had a Mount Rushmore T-shirt on, and those guys never looked so good. Especially Jefferson and Lincoln. Kind of bloated but happy.
Rhonda Johnson: Hey, that was a terrific eulogy you gave old man Soderbergh at his memorial service.
Garrison Keillor: Thank you.
Guy Noir: Too bad the old coot couldn't have been there to hear it.
Yolanda Johnson: Yeah... and to have missed it by just a few days.
Dangerous Woman: When I used to listen to them, it was like they were all my really good friends.
Axeman: But something else happened, right?
Dangerous Woman: Right.
Axeman: Well, I'm that something else.
Garrison Keillor: We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
Dangerous Woman: Do you believe in the fullness of time and the spirit, Mr. Noir? Most people don't, you know. It would be good, Mr. Noir, if you would open your heart to the fullness of time and the spirit, which upholds and sustains us through all this world amen.
Guy Noir: And her hair! It was what God had in mind when he said "Let there be..."
Al, Stage Manager: Hair, right?