Bernard Berkman: How do you know they were both Frank's?
Ms. Lemon: Well, I suppose it's possible other kids are masturbating and spreading their semen around the school as well... It's possible, but, uh, somewhat unlikely.
Bernard Berkman: Oh, it happens, I'm sure, much more than we know.
Joan Berkman: Bernard, have you ever done anything like this?
Bernard Berkman: I'm not going to answer that.
Bernard Berkman: Joan, let me ask you something. All that work I did at the end of our marriage, making dinners, cleaning up, being more attentive. It never was going to make a difference, was it? You were leaving no matter what.
Joan Berkman: You never made a dinner.
Bernard Berkman: I made burgers that time you had pneumonia.
Bernard Berkman: Hey - Watch it.
Frank Berkman: Suck my dick, ass man.
Walt Berkman: It's Welles' masterpiece, really. Many people think it's Citizen Kane, but Magnificent Ambersons, if it hadn't been ruined by the studio, would've been his crowning achievement. As it is, it's still brilliant. It's the old story, genius not being recognized by the industry.
Lance: It sounds great. Who's in it?
Walt Berkman: Orson Welles? I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. I've seen stills.
Walt Berkman: It's like... we were pals then... we'd do things together... we'd look at the knight armor at the Met. The scary fish at the Natural History Museum. I was always afraid of the squid and whale fighting. I can only look at it with my hands in front of my face.
Walt Berkman: Ls Mom letting you drink soda?
Frank Berkman: Beer.
Walt Berkman: Since when do you drink beer?
Frank Berkman: Since recently.
Bernard Berkman: What is it about high school, you read all the worst books by good writers.
Joan Berkman: You're calling me a bitch?
Frank Berkman: Across the park? Is that still Brooklyn?
Bernard Berkman: You'll have to share the bathroom with the boys. They get the upstairs and I have my own.
Lili: That's all right, as long as Walt remembers to pull the seat down.
Bernard Berkman: Ivan is fine but he's not a serious guy, he's a philistine.
Frank Berkman: What's a philistine?
Bernard Berkman: It's a guy who doesn't care about books and interesting films and things.
Bernard Berkman: Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.
Frank Berkman: Then I'm a philistine.
Bernard Berkman: No, you're interested in books and things.
Jeffrey: She could probably move her pussy muscles just the right way so you blow your load in like seconds.
Bernard Berkman: She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy. I mean, exhibiting her cunt in that fashion is very racy. I mean Lili has her influences in post modern literature, it's a bit derivative of Kafka, but for a student, very racy. Did you get that it was her cunt?
Bernard Berkman: Put me in your mouth.
