Fletch: Come on Frank, say yes, and I'll buy you some new deodorant.
Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large?
Fletch: No, not since breakfast.
Fletch: You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together.
Alan Stanwyk: Oh? And what was that?
Fletch: Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.
Fletch: Frank, I need to go to Utah.
Frank Walker: Utah?
Fletch: Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?
Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon?
Fletch: Comanche Indian.
Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?
Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.
Waiter: They already left, Señor.
Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.
Desk Sergeant: You better take his picture while he still has a face.
Fletch: For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.
Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.
Fletch: Why don't we go lay on the bed and I'll fill you in?
Gail Stanwyk: I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married. You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?
Fletch: How did you guess? I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.
Gail Stanwyk: If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch: You are a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyk: See what I mean?
Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward?
Fletch: Only with wet, married women.
Fletch: If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.
Fletch: Provo, Spain?
Pan Am Clerk: Utah.
Fletch: Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo-wee! Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
Alan Stanwyk: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.