Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Identify yourself.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Captain Wild Bill Kelso, United States Army Air Corps. Where the hell am I?
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Barstow. Where are you coming from?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: San Francisco. Been chasing a Jap squadron for a day and a half. I lost 'em somewhere over Fresno.
Telephone Operator: I'm from Moline, Illinois.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Tough shit.
Sergeant Frank Tree: If there's one thing I can't stand seeing, it's Americans fighting Americans.
Donna Stratton: You get me up in that plane, then we'll talk about forward thrust.
Hollis P. Wood: Banzai, my balls.
Hollis P. Wood: You ain't gettin' shit out of me. I've been constipated all week and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: Madness - it's the only word to describe it. This isn't the state of California, this is a state of insanity.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: You know, son, Colonel Maddox is mad.
Cpl. Mizerany: He is?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Kid, you gotta get that sub.
Wally Stephens: What sub?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: The Jap sub.
Wally Stephens: Where?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: The ocean, lame-o.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: You can't have an air raid without bombs.
Hollis P. Wood: You sneaky little bastards aren't getting doodly-shit from me, except maybe my name, rank, and Social Security number: Wood, Hollis P., Lumberjack, Social Security 106-43-2185.
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: To Hollywood... and glory.
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Destroy that industrial complex.
Hollis P. Wood: Now, wait a minute General! I'm doin' the best I can. You've got to tell these guys that I got to have a little bit more privacy. Shoot, how in the hell do you expect a guy to take a bowel movement with a bunch of buffalo rifles a-pointin' at him? Shoot, I have enough problems just pissin' in a public restroom.
Pvt. Ogden Johnson Jones: Real Japs?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Nah, wooden Japs, Cheetah. What do you think?
Raoul Lipschitz: I'd like to thank all the GI's for helping make tonight's evening such a... a memorable occasion. Maybe in the future we can have some Negroes come in and we'll stage a race riot... right here.
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: This has not been honorable.
Claude Crumn: Turn off those lights, you little asshole.